Singular Solar Eclipse
by HM Grayson
Summary: Even if she's now his friend, Jacob will readily admit that Leah tends to make the simplest of things difficult. It's only natural she make fun of his imprinting. But if she doesn't stop it soon...he might actually start thinking she's got a point.
1. Part I

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. After Breaking Dawn, I'm not sure I want to.

Author's note: This story is not anti-Nessie. It's anti-anti-freewill, like Jacob was until...you know.

...

Singular Solar Eclipse

...

Part I: I suspect I might be in trouble when Leah declaring her undying love is the least scary thing coming out of her mouth.

...

"You didn't have to come."

"Somebody has to make sure you don't abduct baby vamp."

Jacob mentally promises to make Seth miserable tomorrow. Bad enough the pup cancels on him for his calculus tutor, but he doesn't even have the decency to call ahead and spare Jacob the hassle of pulling up in front of the Clearwater house expectantly. If Jacob hadn't honked the horn impatiently, maybe Leah and her pleasant personality wouldn't have come out and yelled at him, just to invite herself along once she caught her breath.

Calling Leah a bitch is redundant. She proudly proclaims she is a bitch in every way, shape and form. It has grown on him, though he hates admitting it, the attitude she effortlessly puts on.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to just demand she shut up half the time.

"Like I haven't heard that one before."

"Aw, Jake, don't feel bad. Sadly enough, you're not the only one I know who's in love with someone under the age of ten."

The flush climbs over his face and his hands clutch the steering wheel just a little bit tighter. As much as he has bonded with Leah lately, the urge to transform and sink his fangs into her throat is still there. She seems to delight in not making it easier.

"You know it's not like that. I think of Nessie like a little sister."

"I know, kid. Trust me, I do. If I wasn't a hundred percent sure you had less than zero sexual desire for the half-breed I wouldn't be sitting in this car. I would be beating you a pulp, either before or after I called the cops. I haven't decided yet."

Maybe her threat should upset him, but Jacob finds himself strangely grateful. The thought of hurting Nessie repulses him. He would slap the cuffs on himself, if his thoughts towards her ever veered toward inappropriate. Even knowing that they would one day change into something more than sibling affection only serves to disgust him at the moment.

The effects of his imprinting are always obvious, even now. Case in point: right that second Leah Clearwater is sitting not two feet away in short shorts and an old, ripped shirt that he can see down completely. Jacob still has absolutely no interest.

Not that—Leah was always a pain in the ass. But before the imprint, there had been a tiny, well- buried part of him that could acknowledge that she was physically attractive, if nothing else. Now he can barely remember the feeling.

Jacob remembers once asking Quil why he wasn't looking for a girl while he waited for his Claire to grow up. Being a normal sixteen-year-old boy at the time, if one who could turn into a werewolf, but one at the mercy of his y chromosome nonetheless, Jacob had trouble understanding Quil's almost monastic lifestyle as he waited for his soul mate to grow up.

He gets it now. Even seeing Leah naked, a seemingly inevitable sight after a pack meeting, does nothing for him.

He doesn't mind, better for him if Leah knows he's keeping his eyes to himself, but at the same time, it feels sort of strange. One look at a newborn baby and all of a sudden all of the dreams and longings he's ever felt just disappear? The months of wanting Bella Swan just evaporate? It was convenient, letting him keep Bella in his life without ever having to worry about flying into a jealous rage and trying to kill her husband, but he can't help the feeling of loss. All that pining after Bella and...nothing? That sort of sucks.

"And to think I used to make fun of Quil," Jacob sighs.

"You only did it a few times, you bleeding heart. You're actually lucky. I used most of my best lines on him and I would hate to repeat myself."

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

"Lucky you. Just give me a minute."

She winks but lets her attention drift to the window. Apparently mocking his obsession with a child has gotten old.

They sit in silence as the car travels towards the Cullen house. Jake has left Billy's van at the Clearwater's and taken Seth's jeep, in case Nessie wants to go into town. Why the sixteen year old has a car was a mystery to most of La Push. They don't know Edward Cullen hands out cars the way restaurants give out breath mints.

The car easily lets in the warm summer wind as Jacob drives just over the speed limit in case Bella catches him and refuses to let him take her daughter out like she did last time. The summer day is hot and bright—Nessie's parents are stuck inside making it the perfect time for Jacob to visit. The windows are down but even the strong wind does little to cool the two superheated werewolves.

In the passenger seat, Leah has her legs on the dashboard. Her shoes, never a favorite accessory of a werewolf, she kicked off before he had even pulled away from the house. Her bare feet press against the windshield. The wind is blowing her short-cropped hair. She still hasn't gotten over the loss of her long, thick, shiny black mane—as Jacob is unfortunately reminded every time they phase.

Her hand is out the window. She's catching the wind or trying to, and Jacob doesn't have the heart to tell her it can't happen. Maybe it can—it would be just like the female werewolf to do the impossible just to prove him wrong.

Eyes are vacant as she stares. Her face has settled into a melancholy mask. Maybe all this talk of imprints has reminded her of Sam, the man she loved, the wolf she lost to his imprint, her cousin. She's stopped thinking of him as much, ever since she left Sam's pack and joined Jacob's. Even with the groups on friendly terms, her pain has diminished somewhat. Diminished, not disappeared.

Maybe she's just lonely. Ten members of the pack have imprinted. She has watched, felt the perfection of the experience. Maybe she wants it for herself.

Whatever the reason for her sadness, Jacob can't allow it to continue. He likes Leah fiery and, yeah, a little bitchy. Not sulking.

"Why do you even want to come?" he asks. "Finally ready to admit the vampires aren't that bad?"

"Never. Over my blood-drained body."

"I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige. Or maybe not. I bet even your blood is bitter."

"Not funny," she snaps. He grins. It was.

"Touchy."

"Maybe I'm just hoping the little bloodsucker will drain you dry."

"Feel free to jump out of the car at any time."

She laughs, a tinkling sound that is strange coming from her powerfully built body. He hates Sam, sometimes. He shouldn't have to watch Leah tell herself that death threats are signs of affection in order to survive.

"Maybe I just get a kick out of watching a five year old walk all over you. I might get to see you wear a princess crown and eye shadow today."

"I'd rather dress in drag and dance a hula."

Leach cackles. "She's got you quoting the Lion King? You are so whipped."

"Leah," he snarls as she laughs again. Finally, an excessively long time later because it wasn't that funny, she answers.

"Someone has to go with you."

"They won't hurt me."

"I know."

"So I don't need a bodyguard."

"I'm not here to protect you. It's just that if someone didn't come with you...you wouldn't come home. I won't let that happen to Billy."

It's not true, not completely. He would return to La Push...eventually. It's just hard to be apart from Nessie. The others know this and understand. He feels a tiny stab of guilt thinking about his father. It's just so hard to remember that there are other people in the world when he is looking at her. She's the sun and she blinds him, as he circles around her helplessly.

Seeing how her comment upsets him, Leah goes back to being flippant. "Or maybe I just want to see Rosalie."

Jacob almost chokes on his horror. "Ugh. Why?"

"She said she'd show me how to take apart the engine on the Porsche if..."

Leah prattles on, seemingly unaware how little interest he has in Blondie's hobbies. It's scary, this...relationship Leah seems to have struck up with the most unpleasant of the Cullens.

It's not friendship, whatever is between the two of them, but it makes some kind of twisted sense that they would be kindred spirits. No one will be overly surprised if both Rosalie and Leah turn out to be the spawn of some unholy power. It seems to Jacob their camaraderie is built on their unpleasant personalities, their ability to make other women feel self-conscious, and their enduring (if better hidden) dislike of one Bella Sw—Cullen.

It is sort of his fault, this demon partnership. If the rest of the pack hadn't preferred he bring someone along when he visited the Cullens, Leah would never have gone back to the vampire holdout. She never would have had a chance to exchange biting insults with the blonde vampire, until she finally went to the blonde jokes.

When Rosalie complained that the one about brain cells was old, Leah had complained about him not crediting her properly. Under their breath, both women had muttered, "Dog." It was the start of the world's scariest alliance. They still don't like each other much, but they seem to enjoy disliking each other more than they should have.

"You're gossiping with the undead? I didn't realize you were that desperate for friends."

"Ha ha. You're just upset because she can't stand you."

"I don't care if Blondie likes me or not."

"You will when she tries to talk her niece out of falling in love with you."

"She wouldn't." Damn, Blondie. She will—and she'll like it too.

"She won't," Leah finally says. "But if you hurt mini-vamp she wouldn't feel bad about ripping your head off. Literally. After she's ripped off other...important parts of your anatomy, of course."

If he hurts Nessie, Blondie will have to get in line. After he finishes beating himself up, Edward and Bella will get their turn. Even furious parents fail to scare him—the likelihood of him hurting Nessie and still wanting to live is nonexistent.

"Hey, Leah. Are you twelve? Isn't insulting a six year old a little beneath you?"

"We've decided she's six now?"

"We think." Carlisle isn't exactly sure.

"Loch Ness sure is the luckiest kid I know. She's got what? Three, four birthday's a year?"

"Sort of. Stop it with the names, Leah. I'm starting to think you don't like her."

"What? Do you really want me to call her—" Leah pretends to gag. "—Renesmee?"

Jacob cringes. As much as he loves Nessie and Bella that was not Bella's finest moment. Couldn't Edward have stopped that travesty at least? Jacob understood giving the woman you loved everything she wanted, but there should be some limit. This was a child's life that Bella was ruining.

"Nessie," he snaps. "It's two syllables. You should be able to remember."

"Careful, kid. You might hurt yourself. What's your problem?"

"You never have anything good to say about her."

"So? I _never_ have anything good to say."

He smiles, he can't help it, but he tries to cover before Leah sees.

"But you go out of your way to bitch about Nessie." Leah doesn't answer, but Jacob suspects he's on to something. She'll probably bite his head off—she always does—but he asks:

"Is it because she's an imprint?"

"Yeah, because I'm _so_ jealous she now has you following her around constantly." He wants to snap back, but the next thing she says is in a careful tone that makes him pay attention. "I don't not like the imprints. I just...I actually feel sort of sorry for them."

"Liar. Name one that you actually like."

"Claire's officially the sweetest kid I've ever seen." There's a little bit of maternal longing in there that doesn't seem to be going away. "And I like Rachel okay. And Kim is...sort of—that is besides the point. You were right about it."

"I'm sorry? Could you repeat that? I was right?"

"Shut up."

"You can't take it back."

"Fine." She shouts a little. "You. Were. Right. Imprinting sucks."

The playful mood ends abruptly. "I said that before I knew what it was."

"Just because you've imprinted doesn't mean you were wrong about how wrong it is," Leah says, like this makes sense. "It does suck to lose your ability to choose."

"It's more like you wouldn't want to choose anything else."

"What you wanted before you've imprinted is suddenly null and void?"

"That's not what I said. It's just that you realize there's a..." he hesitates, not wanting to upset her but he unable to deny how he feels. "It's like there's a better choice that you didn't realize was there."

"Do you really think Rachel who was hell bent at getting out of La Push really wants Paul—lazy, unmotivated, hot-headed, Paul—to be in love with her? Would Quil really have chosen a two year old? Maybe he would have fallen in love with Claire later on, but not after twenty years of actual living, not this servant crap he's doing now. Brady wouldn't have picked Mrs. Johnson—with his lifespan, she's barely going to be around for most of his life.

"You can't even lie and say you would have picked what-the-hell-was-her-mother-thinking over your precious Bella. I was there, Jake, in your damn head the whole time. You loved boring old Bella—really loved her. If it wasn't for the imprinting you would still. Why should it change your mind like that?

"And whatever everybody might think now, Sam did love me. Even he knows that. He was just forced to choose differently."

Leah's sitting up in the seat, face flushed, dark eyes flashing. He lets her take a few deep breaths and pretends he doesn't notice how her hands are shaking, though he slows the car down just in case they have to phase. She gains control over herself in a minute.

"Sorry. It's just..."

When she doesn't say anything, he starts worrying. Her brows furrow together, the crease drawing a harsh line on her face. It's a good thing semi-immortal werewolves don't age or that would be one impressive wrinkle.

"What?"

"I chose you. And it sucks that I lost that."

"Um...that's touching, Leah. Really...touching."

"That's not what I meant," Leah snaps at his shifting eyes and awkward posture. "Come on, kid, mind out of the gutter. I wasn't talking about choosing you for...that."

"Good. I mean, you're Leah."

"One of the guys," she sighs.

"That's not—" He can feel the very fine line he is walking. In his mind, she really is one of the pack. His friend. His brother. Like the way he feels about Quil and Embry. Except not. She's Leah. His beta, whatever that means. She is different, however, much he doesn't want her to be.

"Leah, could we get back to where you basically declared you're eternal devotion? Because it's the love part that's worrying me."

"Don't flatter yourself, Black. Yeesh. There was no love of any kind, thank you very much. I knew you'd overreact."

"There is no over reacting going on."

"Sure. Sure." Leah spits it out eventually. "If I wasn't going to imprint or be imprinted on or however it works with the freaky female thing, then I should at least be able make some decision about my future. So I did. I chose your pack, even if it meant leaving Sam. I chose you. But it didn't matter what I chose because you had no choice but to pick evil spawn."

"It's not like I did that purposely to screw with you."

"I know. You can't chose your imprint blah blah blah. It's just that I keep having my choices taken away from me and maybe I sort of feel sorry for the girls because they never really got the chance to realize how crap this whole thing is."

"Undying love is crap?"

"Maybe. If you don't get to pick who's doing it." She shakes her head suddenly, as if a bug had flown too close. "Whatever. It doesn't matter."

Two years ago Jacob wouldn't have believed he could have a serious conversation with Leah Clearwater, let alone one where he wanted to make her feel better. Being in a rogue pack together sure could mess up a guy's social life.

"Leah, are you still in La Push because you think you have no other choice?" he asks. She takes courses at a college in Seattle, but still lives at home. It's safest and for the best, but she had wanted to leave and she would never explain why she hadn't.

"Like you could function without me to watch your back."

"Please. I would be fine without you nagging me all the time."

"I do not nag."

"Repeatedly saying the same annoying information that I already know over and over? That's the definition of nagging. Not that I don't appreciate it," he adds, because she doesn't really nag. He's not sure what she does, exactly, but it helps.

When she doesn't answer right away he adds, "Since when did you start caring about what the pack needs?"

"Since the pack started needing me. Where else am I going to get to take care of eighteen idiotic, immature guys twenty-four seven without pay? Why would I give that up?"

The conversation quickly ends when the jeep pulls up in front of the Cullen house. The white building feels more and more like home each time he visits, though he suspects that anywhere Nessie is will feel like home. Leah might disagree, but she's too busy hopping out of the jeep before he's even stopped.

Without pausing to knock, Leah pushes through the door and announces their presence. She always does this; it's her version of testing his food for poison before he eats it. He would be annoyed at the unnecessary precaution, but that would just piss her off and it's hard enough keeping the peace as it is.

Rosalie is the vampire that comes out. It doesn't surprise him not to see Edward or Bella—they usually use his visits to squeeze in some alone time. The part of him that used to love Bella wants to cringe.

Rosalie is smiling on the porch, still bathed in shadows. She always looks so much happier when she's not looking at him. Leah has an identical smirk on her face. Neither woman moves to hug the other as Jacob pulls the keys form the engine. They just stand in the doorway, insulting him in low voices. He knows better than to expect anything different.

He feels a bit like a five year old staring at the Mona Lisa. A part of him knows he's staring at something impressive, but he simply isn't capable of appreciating it.

This is what Leah was talking about, he thinks.

Leah's taller, but not by much. Rosalie has softer curves, but Leah isn't overshadowed the way most other women are. Their features differ greatly but both are straight and strong. They are both predators. There would be no hiding that, even if they wanted to.

They don't.

Rosalie's smile is more sinister, with her sharper teeth framed by a vibrant red mouth. With her white skin and flawless beauty she could be a famous marble statue from years past. Every part of her looks painstakingly crafted; chipped and sanded until she is flawless. It's the blonde hair that is the most deceptive. All the Cullens, in one of life's strange ironies, look like angels. Rosalie, with her golden tresses, looks like their Queen.

She's otherworldly. An ancient goddess that man has no choice but to fall down and worship. Her eyes promise no mercy, but it makes no difference. It's impossible to resist wanting to put her on a pedestal and fall down in adoration.

Leah tosses her head, like she expects hair to flutter gracefully over her shoulder. It doesn't, but without the black curtain it's impossible to ignore just how vibrant she is. Her eyes burn through everything, her teeth flash. In her face is a promise...you'll like it when she tears you apart.

Rosalie might have fallen from Heaven, but Leah sprang from the earth. Even stationary her body is in motion, ligaments and muscle straining under quivering skin. She grows and moves and every breath she takes is in perfect harmony with the world around her. If she is an animal, she is not an unnatural one. She belongs to the wild.

She is raw. Primitive. Powerful.

Together, they scare the shit out of him.

But he sees neither woman when his beautiful Nessie bursts through the door from behind Rosalie. Just a child, but she blots out everything else around her. There really is no choice about who he would chose to gaze at for eternity. Nothing from this world or the next can compare to the tiny little girl.

Her russet hair is tussled by the wind. It is decorated by funny yellow bows that Jacob knows can be blamed on Rosalie. His girl probably can't stand them at all.

He catches Nessie in his arms and twirls her around, listening to her giggle. Every last bit of tension flows from his body as he inexplicably finds his place in the universe. It makes him forget everything Leah has said—even the parts he agrees with.


	2. Part II

...

Part II: Note to Self: I need new friends. Ones who don't leave, don't like torture and don't make fun of me constantly. Bonus points if we're not related.

...

Bella calls him early Saturday morning to tell him they are going on a temporary vacation. It seems Alice had a vision and so the Cullens are packing their bags like they are wont to do whenever the whim of the pixie vampire strikes. Jacob's first few words are garbled but after he finally understands what is happening his thoughts crystallize.

"I'm coming with you."

The days that Bella is threatening to take Nessie away seem unbearable, but her voice is firm. Alice has seen the future, at least partly, which means Jacob and his vision blocking presence must be absent. Bella apologizes and then puts Nessie on the phone.

His girl promises to call at least once a day, as long as they have reception. She will listen to her parents, try and not let them get into too much trouble and leave them to die if she has to. The last request makes her giggle and he laughs like he didn't mean it.

"I miss you already," she promises. It's funny how those four words make the whole world seem brighter.

"I miss you more," he answers and reluctantly hangs up the phone.

Collapsing back onto his bed he tries to figure out what to do with himself. It's not like the world has ended just because Nessie is not around, but it sure feels like it. He lays there for a long time, trying to recall what he used to do before Nessie. He can't even remember.

Finally he picks up the phone and dials the Clearwater's number. He has to dial twice before Leah answers, civil as always.

"What?"

"Remember how you said you were going shopping today? I want to come."

"Jacob?" Her voice rises into an unbearably shrill noise. "You want to come shopping? With me? Shit. If you're being held at gunpoint just stay calm. Stay put and I'll call in reinforcements. Damn, Seth was right. We should have a codeword for these sorts of situations."

"Don't be an idiot, Leah. It's too early for that."

"You're serious? Did you're little spawn dump you?"

He rolls over onto his stomach, so he can lay the phone on the bed and not have to bother holding it to his ear. That's too much energy. "If you must know, she's leaving the country for a few days."

"They tell you why?"

"Vision. Am I coming with you or not?"

"If you want," she says, still sounding like she's thinking of calling a mental hospital. "What about Quil and Embry?"

"Quil's visiting Claire and Embry has to work today."

"At least one of you works. I'll meet you in front of the bookstore in half an hour."

He agrees then lets himself drift off for another twenty minutes. The shower takes three and then he's sprinting down the streets of La Push, waving to people as he jogs past. Most of the town knows the werewolves, even if they don't know what they really are. It's hard to ignore a seven foot tall man, never mind a gang of them.

Leah makes him wait five minutes before she comes trudging along the sidewalk, looking at him suspiciously. He wants to snap, but is pretty sure that would only get him uninvited. He smiles instead.

"Are you actually wearing clothes that fit?" he asks, falling into step beside her.

"You put on a shirt for me, it was the least I could do."

The whole being naked around Leah thing has become easier over time, but he's still not completely comfortable about it. He doubts he'll ever be. There's just something _funny_ about being naked around Leah. There's always too much of a challenge in her face.

"So what is it that you have to buy?" she asks. She's walking into some sort of household decorating store. There are flowers and fancy coloured rocks in the window and the whole thing smells like throw pillow. Jacob sighs as he follows. "Because I'm telling you right now, you are not signing your name on my gift. It's bad enough that's what Seth is doing."

"Aw, Leah, give me a break. She's your mom."

"He's your future grandfather-in-law," she shoots back. At least she keeps her voice down. There is no way he can explain that statement to an eavesdropper.

"That doesn't count."

"You going to tell baby hybrid that?"

"Shut up." He sighs and watches as she inspects something clear and shiny, turning it this way and that, then snarling when the price catches her eye. "Come on, Leah. I need your help."

She rolls her eyes but finally says, "I'll help you pick something out. But you don't get to complain if you think it's ugly."

"Sure," he says, grateful not to have to try and figure out what to get old people for their wedding. "Just don't make it too expensive."

"Any more demands, master?"

"Smile."

She gives him the finger instead. Close enough.

They wander the aisles together, Leah insulting pretty much everything they see and Jacob nodding along, making his own jokes. He thinks the duck decanter is brilliant, but Leah refuses to let him buy that for her mother.

"Why do they need to get married anyway?" Leah grumbles as they exit the store, empty handed. "What's wrong with living in sin?"

The thought of Charlie Swan and Sue Clearwater and sin is enough to make Jacob want to bleach his brain. He doesn't understand how Leah can stand it—then again, it is nice seeing Sue happy again. Jacob remembers Billy worrying about that when Harry died. If Billy was worried, her children must have been terrified.

"They're just doing it for the presents. Hey, Leah? Does this mean you're going to start calling Charlie step-dad?"

"I wouldn't go there if I were you," she warns, dragging him into a store that seems to be filled with plates. Lucky him—there's cups and candlesticks too!

He studies one of the goblets, one that's dwarfed by his giant hands. Jacob hastily sets it down when the saleslady looks at him suspiciously. The angle is all wrong and the glass almost topples to the ground, but Leah snatches it away from him and carefully sets it back in place.

More to stop her from glaring than anything else, Jacob continues his thought. "I guess that's going to make you and Bella step-sisters."

Leah bares her teeth and growls, right in the middle of the cutlery aisle. Good thing there's no one around, because a non-wolf would probably be running in terror right now. She can be scary when she's pissed.

"I'm trying not to think of that, so be quiet already."

"Why? I can just see the two of you hanging out in your pyjamas on Christmas morning."

Her eyes harden. "Yeah, can't you see me giving my step-niece presents? Hey, Jake, aren't you going to marry her?"

That shuts him right up, but Leah doesn't stop there. "I guess what with Charlie being the grandfather of your future wife and my soon-to-be stepfather, we're going to be sort of related. Isn't that great? I wonder how that works. You're not really his son-in-law so we aren't in-laws. Or maybe it doesn't matter. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm higher up."

"I thought Sam said you didn't like being on top."

"At least I'm not going to be a thirty year old virgin."

Her voice is cutting, but not enough to break the skin. Neither of them storms off. In fact, Leah actually stops staring at ceramics long enough to look up at him. Despite his insult, she looks almost concerned.

"What's eating you?"

He wants to forget this conversation is happening, but she doesn't let him walk away. Her hands come out and grab his wrists, holding him in place with super strength. He can throw her off—she's faster but nowhere near as strong—but it would cause too much of a commotion. He's trapped.

Reluctantly, Jacob forces it out. "Charlie always did treat me like a son-in-law. He congratulated me when I kissed Bella. He's going to freak when he finds out about me and Nessie."

"Maybe incest doesn't bother him."

"Not helping."

She laughs, letting go of one arm. She uses the other to pull him along after her. "What do you expect me to say, Jake? It's all sorts of creepy how you went from stalking Bella to stalking her daughter."

"It's not like I had much choice in the matter. Bella thinks we were only drawn to each other because there was a small part of us that knew that knew how important to my future happiness she would be."

"She's comforted by the thought that you were really only attracted to her ova?" Leah pretends she's going to hurl. "_That's _sick."

"I don't think she's right. I really did love Bella."

It sounds almost speculative because though he can remember the thoughts, he can no longer remember the feeling. At all. It takes Leah's nod to remind him he didn't imagine the whole thing.

"You did, kid. It was annoying as hell, but...you sure as hell meant it. I had the nightmares to prove it."

"It really is creepy how I went from Bella to Nessie, isn't it? I watched her birth—never mind how many times I fantasized about her mom. I'm gross."

"It's not your fault." Leah is studiously looking at some sort of salad bowl. Even she can't lie well enough to make him believe it.

He snorts in disbelief as she counts out plates and bowls and matching glasses. She hands him things like he's her own personal shopping cart but he doesn't complain. He's too busy feeling guilty. It is no surprise Bella freaked when she found out he had imprinted on her daughter. He is a sick, sick puppy.

It's perfect how he still got to keep Bella in his life, but at the same time he can't help wishing his relationship with Bella had been a little more platonic. What sort of messed up stories will Nessie be forced to listen to?

"Stop looking like that," Leah says as she hands him the bags. "Imprinting tends to be about the incest."

"What are you talking about, Leah?"

It's so much nicer to wallow in self-pity in peace. But Leah never let's up.

"Sam went from me to my cousin. The cousin I thought of as a sister, might I add, which is sort of incest-y. Then there's Quil with Emily's cousin—Emily the woman he sees Sam dreaming about every so often. You can't tell me it didn't bother you when you were suddenly forced to watch Paul's thoughts about your sister. It creeped me out and I'm only an old family friend. The whole mindreading thing is just a recipe for inappropriateness. Take into account that the best genetic information for wolves seems to come from the same families and I'm only surprised that there's not more inbreeding."

"Because everybody's doing it, it's okay if I do it too?" Jacob asks, forced to smile against his will. At least she's trying to cheer him up.

"Oh no. It's still creepy," she assures him. "I'd shoot myself if I imprinted on Sam's kids. Or your's and baby vamp's—ugh. I'm just saying you're not the only one. Maybe you should start a support group."

"You're all heart, Leah."

"I know. Come on," she orders, pulling him towards the drug store. "There's something I have to get."

He follows her obediently past the cosmetics section, which hurts his sensitive nose. Perfume tends to give him a headache nowadays. If they stay too long, he's never going to be able to sleep tonight.

Jacob's never really noticed that a lot of the imprints are from the same families but now that Leah's mentioned it, he can't help realizing that they really are sort of all related. The Blacks, Clearwaters and Uleys are all descended from the same ancestor and most of the women being imprinted on are somehow related to those families. Thinking about it doesn't help much with the guilt—Quil's never lusted after Claire's mother, though Embry did once say she was hot. That doesn't make Jacob feel that much better.

There's not much he can do about it. Whatever he felt for Bella is completely buried under his feelings for Nessie, it's almost nonexistent. However wrong he may think it is, it never feels wrong. Thoughts of Nessie seem to keep everything else away.

Nessie could get him through most forms of torture, but not the one that Leah is about to inflict on him. He grabs her wrist before she can pick up the box.

"What are you doing?"

"I think that's obvious."

He needs a better question. And a better beta. "Why are you doing it?"

"That should be obvious too."

There's a stupid a stupid smirk on her face that makes the urge to phase really hard to ignore. But he doesn't, because he doesn't really have much of a choice.

"You can't be pregnant, Leah," he hisses under his breath. It's uncomfortable knowing that much about her sex life, but useful on occasion. He talks a step closer to her because this is not one of those conversations he should be having in public.

"It's not for me," she says with a shrug, trying to step around him. She tries to push him out of the way, but he doesn't have to move if he doesn't want to and eventually she realizes that. "It's for Emily. She's late and I'm sure she's wondering."

"The two of you compare...woman things?"

It's impressive, this thing Leah seems to do. There's Emily, her sister-friend. There's Sam, the annoying other Alpha. And then there's SamandEmily, the demon couple that ruined her life. He wonders how she keeps it all straight without going crazy. Then he thinks about Bella, mother of his imprint, and wonders why he can't stop doing it himself.

"Men," Leah spits. "No. I can smell it on her and...whatever. I know she's late, I know she's unsure, and I'm going to stop by at her house after we finish here."

Jacob is still trying to figure out if this is really creepy or just sort of disturbing as Leah elbows past him towards the counter. He hurries after her, trying to talk her out of it.

"Can't you buy it later?" He can't help it if he whines.

"You're the one who invited himself along. You don't like it, tough."

With that she marches to the counter and throws the pregnancy test down. The clerk looks up, puts the vile box through and then glances between the two of them before announcing the price. Then the jerk smirks.

Jacob closes his eyes and tries not to think about the rest of the town talking about how the children of respected elders Billy Black and Sue Clearwater haven't been playing safe. If he didn't have the bags he could cross his arms and scowl, but with them it'll be hard to convince the half-laughing clerk that he isn't the unlucky boyfriend in the situation.

It's what most people in La Push are starting to think, that him and Leah are...couple-y. They hang around together a lot, it's true, enough so that people have started to notice. He hangs around Embry and Quil just as much, but no one seems to care about that. Maybe if they all had boobs everyone would just shut up.

Better everybody thinks he's sleeping with Leah than committed body and soul to someone who looks eight and is technically a little over two. There might be whispering but no one's calling the cops, so he figures it's okay. Better too, that the town doesn't think Leah's single. She's liable to rip someone's arm off and beat them with it if she feels they're looking at her inappropriately. Safer if they think she's taken. And there are worse women to have people think you're involved with.

Even knowing all that doesn't make the situation any less embarrassing.

"I hate you," Jacob whispers as they exit the store.

Leah just laughs.

They walk home trying to figure out they want to take the pack for a run next weekend. He thinks it'll be a nice teambuilding exercise, but she's pretty sure that her mother won't let her leave—the wedding's coming up soon. He can't go without her but he's not sure he can convince Sue to let her daughter come. They might have to wait two weeks.

She takes most of the bags from him when they reach his house. "Don't look so down, Jake. She'll come back soon."

"I'm not pining."

"Pining, whining, whatever. You survived Bella's honeymoon. You can survive weekend vacations."

"That was not a helpful comparison, Leah."

"I know. Hey, real wolves do their relatives, too. Just think of it that way."

"What? Since when do you know about wolves?"

She doesn't look at him, just says to her feet: "Wolves go into heat, you know. Once a year. I get cranky in the spring, but I don't think it's the same thing. It was stupid to think—that's when I found out about the incestuous wolf mating. Not that even they do it often, but there are cases where they screw siblings or cousins or their parent's old mates. Like the creepy things you do."

Because he doesn't want Leah to kill him, Jacob ignores her interest in the breeding habits of wolves. She once explained it was the principle of the thing, and he's been known to do crazy things for his principles, but he still wishes it would just go away. He wants Leah happy and he doesn't think chasing clouds is the way for her to do it.

He makes a joke instead. "It's a good thing we're not wolves then."

"Sorry. Shapeshifters." Her voice almost sinks under the sarcasm. She—and the rest of the Quileutes, Jacob included, still haven't quite forgiven Edward for not mentioning that aspect of their heritage sooner. The legends did speak of shapeshifters, but werewolves sounded cooler and who knew there were actual moon following wolves out there? "I'd rather be an animal than a pedophile, myself."

He tries to hit her—how many times has he said that he doesn't think of Nessie that way?—but she dodges and he's home so there's no time for a pursuit. Leah waves and he heads up the stairs to his house. He throws the bags on the couch. His father will be glad to have this taken care of. Billy was feeling a little awkward about the upcoming nuptials. Sue and Charlie are both family to him—it's hard for him to picture them together.

...

Author's Note: The 'leave them to die' is from the movie Serenity. There's probably going to be an actual plot in the next chapter _and_ appearances by the rest of the pack. Until then, hope you enjoyed.


	3. Part III

Part III: I never thought I had a death wish, but there's really no other explanation for how dumb I'm acting. What kind of idiot goes near Leah when she's angry?

...

Seth is the one who spreads the news when Leah imprints.

Jacob is out with Quil and Embry. The treaty with the vampires has made patrols rather pointless, but Jacob finds that everyone gets irritable without an excuse to run wild every few days. A little manoeuvring and he, Quil and Embry can run around together almost like it was old times. When they had run around before it hadn't been on four feet, but there was no going back that far.

Embry snaps at Quil's heels. W_e're not getting older; there's no excuse for going that slow._

_I know you can't understand, Embry, but having this much muscle is hard work. _

Embry jumps on Quil and the two roll on the ground. With a mental chuckle, Jacob joins in the fray. They snap and roll and fight, enjoying each other's company.

They're trading insults and blows when Seth's thoughts burst through. They all respond happily to his greeting. It's hard not to like the optimistic pup, even if they would have liked staying a trio for a few more minutes. But being a werewolf seems to require abandoning most individuality and it's just the price that has to be paid.

Seth is not cheerful now: _She's imprinted._

_Who's imprinted?_

_The other female werewolf we know,_ Jacob says as Quil laughs at Embry. Ignoring Embry's offended reply, Quil adds, _That's great._

_I guess. She can't hog the TV if she's locked in her room._

Jacob is forced to confront everything he knows about imprinting and Leah's stubbornness and comes to the correct conclusion: this is not going to be pleasant.

_Let's go congratulate her_, Jacob suggests. The others can feel his anxiety underneath his idea and fall in line. The more he thinks about it, the more Jacob finds that he doesn't like this entire situation. There's something _wrong_ with the idea of having Leah following some random guy around all adoring and pleasing. That's not Leah. He doesn't want it to be Leah. Leah deserves better than that.

Seth almost starts to panic as Jacob gets more upset. As much as he wishes Leah would stop smothering him, he hates it when she's miserable.

_She wouldn't do anything too stupid? Would she?_

Quil tells Seth,_ This is Leah we're talking about. _

_I'm sure she's fine,_ Jacob promises. Hoping to distract the pup, and for his own peace of mind, he asks, _Who's the unlucky guy?_

_Peter Drake._

_From Makah? _Embry is right to be puzzled. _When did Leah go to Makah? Or did he come here? I heard he just got back a few weeks ago._

_She went to visit on Sunday. _

The three older werewolves did a quick check with each other.

_Sunday? That's tomorrow. _

_Or last week._

_She hid this for six days? How is that even possible? _Jacob demands. _We can read each other's minds._

Another quick conference reveals no one can remember running with Leah since then. Seth explains, _I could hear her phasing late at night or whenever there wasn't a patrol out. I thought she was hiding something but I didn't want to bother her. But when she stopped eating Mom started to get worried. So I went to talk to her. _

It takes Seth seconds to reveal the fight to his comrades. Leah's horror stricken face makes them all cringe, but it's hard to stay sympathetic when she starts yelling at Seth. All ready so close to losing it, it isn't long before her insults become growls, her shouts howls. Seeing his sister like that, Seth phases too. Despite how hard Leah tries to hide it, it takes only an instant to divine her secret. That's when she attacks.

Once Seth scrambled out of her way, she shut the door behind her and wouldn't come out.

_She made me promise not to tell_, Seth explains. _But I accidently phased just now and of course I couldn't help it. I think she heard though, so she must know you guys know. Why is she so upset?_

Now that is the question, and Jacob knows no one but him could have answered it, and the time for him to have done so is long past. Quil loves everything about being a wolf and he happily realigned his world around Claire. Feeling the peace this brought Quil, Embry's been hoping it happens to him. Seth doesn't know how to get angry. Jacob thoughts can't condense properly anymore; something inside him screams out the answer, but though he can hear the echo, he can't make out the words. That leaves no one to understand the fear and anger that Seth felt in Leah's mind. But they know it will be bad. Anger and Leah usually are.

Seth's thoughts untangle as he transforms back to a human, to better walk through his house. Paws can't open doors. He's back before they reach the Clearwater's street.

_She's gone!_

_Find her then,_ Jacob commands.

_How? _

_You're a wolf. Follow your nose._

Seth is getting even more worried, but he laughs through his panic. _I knew that._

_What happens when we find her?_ Quil asks.

Good question. Too bad Jacob doesn't have an answer.

_She's by the river, in the forest_, says Seth, relieved. _In a tree._

They don't need the picture Seth sends them. They all know the forest inside out. There are lots of tress, of course, but there's one tree that's bigger than the others. They all know that's where Leah is.

Legend and Harry Clearwater said that the tree had been planted by the first Clearwater's to live on the land. It probably wasn't that old, but it looked ancient. The bark is creased, folded and gnarled, like the side of Old Quil's mouth. The branches rise almost straight up to the sky, except one, which juts out horizontally. Years of being climbed has left strange scars, from carved initials that no one would admit to scratching to lost branches. There are even remnants of an old tree house that had survived several attempts to remove it.

The three friends transform while still hidden amongst most of the trees. Pulling on shorts is their first priority. Before they can decide what to do next, Seth walks up to them.

"We have a problem. She wants to be left alone."

"So?"

"So if we don't..." Seth trails off. "Look, Jake, it's really better to leave her alone. She might push someone out of the tree."

"Land on your feet. Or take comfort in knowing your bones will heal fast."

Coming up underneath the tree, Jacob regrets his flippant words. Leah has chosen her fort well. She's the shortest, least obviously muscular pack member. It makes her fast and it makes her light. There is no way the thin branches she is curled around are going to support the weight of the other four. She won't have to push them, they'll fall out by themselves.

For Nessie, though he didn't know it at the time, Jacob reached inside himself and declared himself Alpha. Like it or not, and at the time Jacob hadn't, Leah followed him. She's pack. It's his duty. That's what he tells himself as he crushes the panic he's feeling. That won't help Leah.

He sighs. "No one has to come up if they don't want to. It might be a good idea to have someone on the ground to catch us, just in case."

A glance around shows no takers. Quil moves to give Jake a boost up. The bark is ruined enough that they could climb up without any assistance, but it takes a lot more strength and time. And any second now Leah might just transform right out of the tree.

"Go away," she calls down.

"Nice to see you too," Jacob calls back. "You planning to shift into a monkey now or do you just like the view?"

Something whizzes through the air, striking his bare shoulder. Great. Leah has projectiles. With her arm, they sting like hell.

"We heard what happened. Do we get to say goodbye before you throw yourself off a cliff?"

"I'm not the mother of the love of your life, Jake. I'm not going to fall apart just so you can save me. If that's the reason you're here, you can go. I promise if I do kill myself it's not going to be over a guy."

"You're just going to hide in a tree for the rest of your life?"

She throws more stones at him. This time she aims at his colleagues too.

"Oh! Leah!" Embry complains. "I didn't even say anything."

"You were thinking it."

"Geez. And we thought Quil got moody after he imprinted."

The bombardment stops. Leah speaks slowly, almost in shock. "Embry Call, you might be a genius."

Embry's eyes widen. Jacob has a bad feeling about this.

Leah shouts down, "Stay where you are. I'll be right there."

Jacob wedges himself between two branches, Quil and Embry follow suit but Seth manoeuvres himself onto the horizontal branch and is able to sit comfortably. Leah soon drops down beside him.

Jacob starts talking first. "So Embry's a genius. Any more proof imprinting has fried your brain?"

Leah flinches. Good. She hadn't been nice when Seth confronted her and the least she could do is look guilty. Jacob has actual, non-rhetorical questions he would like to ask, but he gives Leah time to respond however she needs to. The reasons they are human and not werewolves for this wolf conversation is to give Leah the silence she needs to accept the situation.

"What do you know about Drake?" she asks finally.

Without a conscious vote, Embry is elected spokesman. His mother's heritage means that he knows the most about the Makah men, even if that information is spotty.

"He's lived in Seattle for the past eight years, where he was studying medicine."

"He's the doctor?" Quil asks. "Aim low, why don't you Leah?"

"I'm not aiming for anything!" She spits and Jacob can hear the sound of the pebbles hitting Quil. Probably right in the head if Jacob knows anything about Leah. "Do you know what kind of doctor he wants to be?"

"Paediatrician," Embry supplies.

"Do you know why?"

Leah's voice quivers and Jacob doesn't need to see Embry's face to know that whatever the answer is, it's going to be bad. It's going to be very bad. And when he remembers, seconds before Embry screws up enough courage to say it, Jacob knows it's going to be even worse.

Jacob swears under his breath as Embry says, "There was an accident and he...he can't have children."

Jacob feels sick, which is probably not even half as bad as how Leah feels. Suddenly, he wishes Seth had kept the news to himself. Because Leah's not going to take this well and there is absolutely nothing anyone to say to make it better—Jacob doesn't it think it could ever get better.

"I told you," Leah says. She's talking to him, he knows and he twists around the branches to look at her. Her eyes are dead as she licks her lips. They are chapped and bleeding and probably in better shape than the rest of her. "I told you I was a genetic dead end. Maybe I _should_ throw myself off a cliff—it ends that way anyway."

"I didn't even know you wanted kids," Seth says. "Come on, Leah, it's not that important."

"That's not the point! I just want the damn choice about it. How would you feel, knowing you were that much of a freak that you couldn't be allowed to pass on your genes? That you were some kind of mistake..."

"You aren't," Seth promises, but his hand stops inches from her arm. Smart boy. She might have chewed it off.

"Then why would I be stuck with some jerk with a perfect smile and eyes and—fuck! Why does that keep happening? But clearly me being obsessed with the responsible, kind doctor is nature's way of saying that I have to keep my freakiness to myself. That's all imprinting is. It's just about making super wolves. Perfect wolves. We're being forced to breed and it's disgusting but we seem to love it anyways—and I can't even do that."

"It's not all about breeding," Quil protests. Jacob knows he's thinking of Claire and how he would rather leave La Push forever than think about Claire in a way that leads to breeding. Jacbo's sure of this, because he feels the exact same way about Nessie.

"It will be," Leah snaps. "One day it will be. Maybe you'll be lucky and on an her eighteenth birthday a switch will suddenly just flip in your brain and all of a sudden you'll be sexually attracted to her. But what happens if that's not the case? Are you going to have to continuously remind yourself she's just fourteen when she starts wearing low cut tops and you think she's fluttering her eyelashes at you? Are you—"

Jacob barely notices she's shut up, unable to hear over the ringing in his ears. It doesn't surprise him that she's figured out his worst fears and isn't scared to say them out loud. Leah's never really cared much for the feelings of others. Is he really just grooming Nessie to be some sort of fuck buddy?

He takes a deep breath because the tree is not the safest place to phase. Quil is growling and Jacob tries to will him to remain calm. Embry is muttering something to Quil to try and quiet him.

Leah seems to realize that if she angers Quil enough, especially about Claire, he really will never speak to her again. She turns her attention to Jacob instead.

"It doesn't really make sense about you. Isn't she going to go from half to full on dead when she stops being jailbait? When the hell is she supposed to push out the puppies?"

Jacob doesn't know and he hasn't been that eager to ask Edward and Bella to find out. It's not a concern of his. He manages to keep himself under control and when he's sure his voice won't rise in anger, he asks:

"Are you finished?"

It doesn't stop her, but it changes the direction of her attack to something that doesn't immediately make him want to kill her.

"How come I can imply all this about you guys when I know you're not like that but I can't stop thinking about how great Drake is even though I know absolutely nothing about him?"

Quil quiets as well. Seth asks, "Would you rather be thinking bad things?"

"Of course! Or at least have the option of thinking bad things. All I can think is how sparkling white his smile is. I've tried to imagine smashing it in, and I can't even do that."

"That's sick," Quil mutters, but Jacob hits his arm and he shuts up. It is sick, but not the way Quil imagines.

Jacob offers, "We could help you think of bad things."

"Yeah? Like what?"

Eyes turn to Embry, who sighs, racking his brain. "He hates cars, drives a 98' Chevy. Um...his hair's sort of uneven and he used to speak with a lisp." Embry seems embarrassed, but continues when Leah nods eagerly, desperately. "He stole his aunt's bicycle when he was ten and she chased him after him like a crazy person. He chickened out of cliff jumping when he was thirteen."

"Coward," Leah mutters, half crying. "What else?"

"Uh," Embry's struggling, but it's not like he can ask for help. "How about you just go back to the part where you call me a genius?"

"Yeah, what was that about?" Seth helps Embry.

"Remember how Quil was all upset when he first imprinted since he didn't want to be a pedophile? Remember how he tried to undo that?" Leah didn't wait for an answer. "He stopped after Sam's whole 'it's natural' speech, but why can't I do that? Why can't I un-imprint?"

"That's not possible," Jacob says.

"Says who? No one else has really tried."

That's only sort of true. Quil was embarrassed but he gave in soon enough. But Leah has to know that Sam did try to forget he had imprinted; Sam had tried to fight to stay with her. Sam had wanted to want Leah, not Emily. Sam had failed miserably.

"Leah, you said it yourself. You can't stop thinking good things about Drake. Why should you want to stop?"

"Jake..." he closes his eyes at the plea in her voice. He can't bear it. "If I'm just a dead end anyway, what can it hurt if I don't follow my imprint or not?"

"You're not a dead end." Where the confidence if coming from, Jacob doesn't know. But he's sure of what he is saying. "You're not a mistake. We don't know anything about this wolf stuff, not really, but you're not a mistake."

"That's not what Mom said."

He ignores her, because her jokes aren't funny in this sort of situation. Now that she's given him a mission, he's too busy about to throw everything he has behind it. "If you're serious about trying to fight the imprinting...we'll help."

Leah gives him a tiny smile, the first he's seen since he got here. "Really?"

"If I can. If you're sure?"

She raises her chin and looks him straight in the eye. There's no doubt there. "I'm sure."

"I'll call a meeting then. All of us. Sam's probably the best person to ask about this."

It's a sign of how badly she's taking this that she doesn't even cringe at the thought of her ex-boyfriend trying to explain why he didn't pick her. She just looks eager. Leah turns to Quil and says:

"I'm sorry about all that stuff about Claire. I didn't mean it. I won't ever bring it up ever again if you let me see what you did to try and stop imprinting afterwards."

"I don't know much help it's going to be. I didn't try for long and it didn't seem to work anyway."

"At least I'll know what not to do."

"Never do as Quil does," Embry says. "It's worked for me."

The tension seems to leave as the two friends awkwardly tease each other before dropping down. Jacob moves to follow, casting only one last look up at Leah. Seth has got an arm around her and she looks less terrified than before.

"You can do this," Seth whispers.

Jacob cringes as he climbs down. Not even in his father's old stories has anyone successfully thrown off an imprint. There's always a first for everything and maybe Seth is right. Maybe Leah can do this. She's a werewolf, and a female one at that. She does two impossible things before breakfast each morning. What's one more?

...

Sam doesn't share the same attitude when Jacob explains the situation to him later that night. They are communicating together, Alpha to Alpha. Jacob doesn't want to have this conversation as humans. It wouldn't feel right. Imprinting isn't a human condition and even after all this time it's hard to forget that the human Sam once belonged completely to Leah.

Wolf Sam is currently gazing at Jacob without blinking. With the two packs still separate Jacob isn't washed over by Sam's feelings. But the beady eyes that stare at him hint that whatever Sam is feeling isn't positive.

_You want me to show her my memories after I first imprinted,_ Sam repeats. _To help her break her imprint on Peter._

_That's what _she_ wants. Yes._

_You have to stop her then._

Jacob pulls his lips back and growls in disgust. _I don't make my pack do anything. She wants to stop imprinting and so I'm going to help her at least try. It's her decision, Sam. I understand it's going to be uncomfortable for you but—_

_Uncomfortable?_ Sam's always did know how to sound majestic. _This isn't about me, Jacob. This is about Leah._

_And Leah wants to not imprint. _How hard was it to understand?

_You're going to let her throw away her chance to finally be happy? _

_That's not what I'm doing._

_Yes it is. Chances are this isn't going to work, but what happens if it does? Leah won't ever have someone who completes her. She won't find her other half. She won't be happy._ Jacob doesn't need to feel Sam's emotions to know there would be some pretty heavy guilt going on just now. _You're going to let her throw away perfect happiness just because she doesn't immediately think it's the greatest thing ever?_

_I'm not going to force her to be happy. It doesn't work that way._

_You won't have to force her to be happy. Once she's finished making us run in these painful circles and is satisfied she's punished us enough, she'll accept imprinting just like the rest of us have._

_She's not protesting just to punish us._

_No? She once told me that she wanted to imprint. _Sam's voice is apologetic, but firm. _She's only refusing it now because she likes being difficult._

Jacob might say the same thing on a daily basis, but the sudden urge to attack is almost overwhelming. Sam never had the right to say shit like that, and now that Jacob can make Sam take it back if he wants to, he has a hard time not just doing that. Jacob is about to argue, but is cut off by Leah entering the clearing. The small, dark grey wolf immediately goes to Jacob's side. Wolf instinct is hard to disobey.

_Well?_ She demands answers._ When's he going to do this?_

The members of the two packs can't usually communicate with one another, but as they discovered soon after Quil and Embry joined, if the Alphas give permission a limited conversation can take place between the regular members of packs. Leah can't do anything unless he says so, and usually that would make him uncomfortable but right now he's too bothered by what Sam has said.

Because Leah did have a similar conversation with him, once before, where she sounded almost wistful about having an imprint of her own. It was a long time ago, however, and considering his own reversal on imprinting, he can believe it of Leah—part of him _needs_ to believe it of Leah. Jacob also can't see her aversion to imprinting only being done to punish someone. Maybe when she first joined the pack, but not now. But this is Sam. Sam knows Leah.

_Leah..._

_You changed your mind!_

He immediately tries to stop her panic. _No. I just wanted to make sure this is what you what. Sam says this isn't going to be fun for you. _

_I don't care,_ she says stoutly._ I just don't want to imprint._

_That's not what you used to say. You said you wanted it. Anything to help you get over Sam...remember?_

_Yeah, Jake. That was almost four years ago, when I was still bitter and heartbroken and just about desperate. And then I got over Sam. No imprinting, no magic. Just time and—other things. I got over it without mystical voodoo. I got used to feeling okay with the way I wanted to. Don't make me change that now._

_What are you waiting for then?_ He growls in the back of his throat at Sam, informing him that Leah is ready and that Sam better be too. Technically, Jacob is the higher-ranking wolf and in this case he's glad. He usually agrees with Sam, but he's sure that Sam is wrong in this case. And like he always does when he thinks he's in the right, Jacob is prepared to go as far as he has to.

Luckily, Sam doesn't seem to inclined to force the issue. With a nod, Sam gestures for Leah to come with him. As Leah trots off after Sam, Jacob turns around to go home. Leah's asked him to interrogate Billy for some old legends that might give her some more ideas.

Jacob darts through the trees wondering if he's doing the right thing. If imprinting really is necessary for the future of the species should he really be interfering in this way? But the thought of doing nothing while Leah calls herself a genetic dead end is intolerable. As much as she might get on his nerves, Jacob can't believe that Leah is the mistake she thinks her genes have made her.

No. Leah is far from a mistake.


	4. Part IV

Warning: Okay, this chapter contains non-explicit references to self-service. If masturbation offends you, don't read. Or just skip the scene, it comes up pretty late in this chapter and you'll be able to see it coming. I don't think it's graphic enough to change the rating, but I thought it would be polite to give a heads up. All right. Here we go. Because you can't climb back up until you've hit rock bottom...and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't spread around the misery...

...

Part IV: Did the tension just turn sexual? Or I am just about to get fucked?

...

Jacob wakes up and sits right up off his bed, unsure why he's not still dreaming. A quick glance shows his room is empty. There is no threat, but his heart is pounding and his senses are alert, even as his brain is demanding he go back to sleep.

A sound erupts in the darkness. A normal human probably wouldn't have heard anything, but Jacob's already at his window, gazing out. There's a full moon out, so he doesn't really need his super wolf eyes to make out Leah right outside. He opens the window. She is up in a flash and Jacob hopes there aren't any scratch marks on the side of the house. His father won't be happy about that. Leah is pulling herself inside his room, looking like hell. He hasn't seen her in a week and it's obvious she hasn't been taking very good care of herself.

"What happened?" he demands.

"I need your help."

He goes to lie back down, knowing this is going to be unpleasant, gesturing for her to say whatever she has to. Leah perches on the edge of the bed, staring down at him carefully. He wishes he had bothered to clean up a little more—Leah's seen too much of him already, she doesn't need to see his dirty laundry.

"Nothing's working."

He figured as much, what with her being completely nonexistent the past little while. People have seen her, but all they say is that she doesn't look well. She looks worse than that. She looks exhausted and lost and he feels guilty for not doing more.

"What have you tried?" he asks. Sam wouldn't tell him, only that it was private, and Leah never did bother filling him in on her plan.

"You're not going to like it."

"That's never stopped you from talking before."

Her face doesn't seem to want to stretch into a smile. It comes out as sort of a grimace and then she's lying down beside him. Ever since he became a heating blanket, Jacob hasn't used covers but for some reason he longs for a sheet to cover himself. This doesn't quite feel right. He should at least put on a shirt, but he doesn't want to see Leah rolling her eyes about his modesty issues either.

"Quil's memories were useless," she begins. "Except for the guilt, which did nothing, he didn't do much to try and get away from Claire. Sam was a bit better. Most of the time it was the same thing, the same sort of overwhelming obsession that we all seem to have going on. But sometimes...sometimes when he was kissing me he would forget about her...just a little bit." She forces out a few barks of laughter. "Not often, mind you. But sometimes. That's sort of what I based my current strategy on."

"Sam's married," Jacob says. The thought of Leah kissing Sam pisses him off—he doesn't like the idea of her ruining a marriage, no matter how much she hates imprinting.

"I didn't kiss Sam," she snaps. Then sighs. "Maybe I should have. It would have been easier."

"I don't get it."

"Right. I forgot you were a eunuch now. I went and had sex, Jake."

He wonders at his sudden need for violence, but knows it's not fair. Did she really have to be so close when she told him the damn news? The forced intimacy of the bed is making his skin itch. But he's trying to be a supportive friend, so he tries to ask casually: "With who?"

"Guys. At first, I just thought it just had to be sex so I went to that bar in Forks and just picked up some guy. I'm pretty sure his name was Mack or Mike or something like that. But when that didn't seem to work I tried some people I was friends with."

"Like who?"

Not that he's going to beat them into a pulp for taking advantage of her like that—Jacob just needs to know so he can threaten them a bit. Right before they mysteriously disappear.

"Ted," she supplies, naming one of Jacob's fellow mechanics. "And when that didn't work I thought I'd try someone I more than tolerated."

"Who?"

"I didn't actually do it. I almost did, but I didn't."

"Who?" he repeats.

"Embry."

"Embry doesn't even like you," Jacob sputters, suspecting that he may need to get a new best friend once he kills his old one. "I can't believe he'd go near you."

"I'm not that unattractive," she snaps, glaring at him. His night vision gives him a pretty good view of her and yeah, she looks like a freaking supermodel, but so what if Leah's attractive? Jacob understands extreme measures, but at the same time, there are lines he won't cross. They are far off in the distance usually, but they are there. Embry should have known better. "Besides, he's in a pretty bad place himself right now."

"Embry? Embry Call? What's wrong with him?"

"Sheesh, Jake, I know it's hard, but try and look away from evil spawn once in a while. Everyone's imprinting around him—even me—and he's starting to feel sort of left out. You and Quil are always off with your precious baby girls and he's...he's not.

"Oh." He wouldn't dare repeat his next words to Nessie. "I can't believe I haven't noticed. I guess that makes me a pretty shitty friend."

"Just a little bit obsessed with the half-breed." Leah shrugs then returns to her story. "So we bonded over feeling left out, I apologized for calling his mom a whore all those times and then I tried to...anyway we started to...but then he helped me realize something. Just kissing him was a hundred times better than anything I had done with Ted and Mitch."

"Why would that be?"

"I think it's because we were actually close friends. I was going about this the wrong way. It's not the physical action that's the important part, it's the how I feel about that person, how much I'm concentrating on that." She turns onto her side, to better watch him as she delivers her news. "Sam loved me and that helped him fight, even if it was just for a second. I think that's the key."

Her body heat is distracting him, but not enough. It feels like he just swallowed a bowling ball, his stomach is so heavy. She can't be saying what he thinks she is. She can't be here because—Leah wouldn't do that. She thinks of him as a kid, an annoying, frustrating kid. She has to.

She licks her lips and he watches because he's frozen in place. Her hand comes to rest of his arm, so she's half lying on him and he still refuses to believe this is happening. He wishes he did drugs so he could pretend this was just him tripping out. That someone spiked his food makes more sense than Leah thinking about him in the way she just implied.

"Jake," she whispers. "You can pretend I'm Nessie. Just..."

She doesn't completely her thought, just presses her lips to his.

"Leah," he says, trying to push her off. Sort of. All he succeeds in doing is forcing her to shift so she is now laying completely on top of him. Muscular legs twine in his, thighs pressed against thighs, and he can feel her breasts crushed against his chest—even for a werewolf they feel too hot against him. She's much too warm and soft for him to think straight. And since when did Leah get soft? "If it didn't work with Embry, why even bother trying with me?"

Her eyes are burning into his, her lips still way too close for him to dare exhale. There's a little smile on her face that looks sort of sad. "You don't know?"

He can only shake his head.

"You know how you always try and do the right thing Jake, even when you have to do about a hundred zillion wrong things to do it? Let this be one of those things." She laughs, her eyes becoming warmer. "It's funny, but that's something I've always loved about you. Even when I didn't like you. And now..."

His heart is pounding now and there's no way she can't feel that. She doesn't sound like Leah anymore—her voice is melodious and uninhibited—as she continues, "Embry's my friend. You're...you're not."

And then she's kissing him again, kissing him like he's never been kissed before. He's kissed his share of girls, chaste kisses on the beach and behind the school and there were heart stopping, mind-blowing kisses with Bella...but those were children's kisses. Leah is not a child, nowhere near close.

Her tongue is in his mouth, hot and wet and hard. She wants something from him but he knows he can't give it, no matter how good she feels on top of him or how soft her skin is when he runs his hand under her shirt, along the small of her back. She smells like the forest and that's what is making it impossible to think properly, not the way her mouth his searing his.

The adrenaline that he usually associates with a run begins to pump through him. She's murmuring things between kisses, words that scare him and make him wonder how he missed all this. Nessie, he assumes, and he hates that because Leah is his beta and Embry is his childhood friend and why is he missing all these important things for someone who isn't even pack?

The first rebellious thought he's had almost makes him sick. Nessie's more than a distraction and her hold on him is absolute. His breathing is ragged but he manages to get one hand on Leah's cheek so he can gently push her away.

"I can't," he tells her, voice breaking. It sounds three octaves above normal.

She pulls away instantly, not even bothering to demand why. Jacob wants to tell her that it's _his_ fault, but she's already not looking at him, muttering an apology. His body stays rigid, except for the part that can't stiffen, as Leah talks.

"Fuck. I should have known better. Hell, even Rosalie said—"

"You went to Blondie? You really are desperate."

Jacob finds himself more miserable than before, if that's even possible. She had to turn to a _vampire_ to get help? How the hell is he managing to screw up so badly?

"No. I went to my human friends and asked them how I should stop my mystical werewolf servitude. Who the fuck else was I supposed to go to, Jake? The only other option was Bella and—"

"You'd rather jab yourself in the eye with a penknife. Repeatedly. I know." Jacob thinks for a second. "Since when did you have friends?"

"I know it's hard to believe, but I do have a life outside of you and the rest of the wolves. Not that you know or care, but I do. I took me four fucking years to start again and I'm going to lose it all if I can't pull it together and get rid of Drake soon, but I had a life."

"I knew that."

"Sure you did."

He did. It is buried under layers of Nessie and Bella and vampires, somewhere beside his knowledge of Embry's feelings, but it is in there somewhere. "So what did Blondie say when you had your girl talk?"

Leah actually growls then, like _that_ was the worst thing that's happened to them all night. "It wasn't like that. I'm not the leech lover here. I was merely walking along, talking to myself, trying to figure this all out, and she came out of nowhere and stuck in her unwelcome two cents. No girl talking involved."

"You'd rather admit to being crazy than liking Blondie? What a relief."

"She said that any plan that involved you was obviously a stupid one. I should have listened to her."

"Hang on—Rosalie Cullen, vapid, evil, bitchy, shallow, scariest-Aunt-on-the-planet-Rosalie was all right that your great unimprinting master plan was basically..." The words that had come so easily when it came to insulting Blondie dry up as he chokes again.

"Jump your bones?" He can feel her shrugging, they're still so damn close. "Yeah. It's because she can't stand you, Jake. At all. Ignoring the smell, which she obviously won't, she thinks you're a crude, unfunny bore, who might just have fleas—"

"I get it, Leah."

"Right. So since Nessie's the most important thing in the world to her, she's not okay with you hanging around. If I accidently managed to throw off your imprinting, she might have given me a damn Porsche."

If Leah had accidently thrown off his imprinting...the world would have ended. Jacob Black cannot be agreeing with Rosalie Cullen. He sighs and tells himself that it's best this way.

"Why did you do it, Leah?" he asks quietly. Because he knows enough about imprinting to know if she feels something for him its just a shadow. Throwing herself at the darkness and hoping it might swallow her up doesn't seem like a good idea to him. "You had to know I couldn't—I can't—I'm useless."

Her voice is tiny in the darkness, despite the solid wall of muscle beside him. "I'm just getting so fucking scared I'm not going to be able to beat this."

"You don't have to beat it." Sam's words ring in Jacob's head. She could use the imprinting, could be happy. If he's her other option, she should just accept it, because he can't be that for her. He can't even want to. "You could just accept—"

"Or not," she snaps. "You sound like Sam."

"Do not," he mumbles, but she's ignoring him.

"Sam thinks imprinting is Destiny. That the vampires had to come, so we had to become werewolves, so we had to imprint. That everything that's happening to us is predestined. So I was never supposed to have kids, you were always supposed to keep it in the family and we're all supposed to be slaves to a grand master plan."

Leah pretends to gag. "Since Destiny seems to fucking hate me, I don't really want to be helping her out. Why should I just accept the shit that gets thrown at me?"

"It might make you happy."

"That might be your destiny, Mr-usher-in-a-new-breed-of-mythological-creatures-that-are-near-perfect. You get Bella and this gorgeous creature just for you. You're the Alpha and you get to live with the love of your life for eternity, occasionally stopping to eject super powerful children into the world. Why wouldn't you like a destiny like that?"

"It's not like I had a choice in the matter."

Leah doesn't hear. That's good because he's not sure the bitterness he is thinking is making it into his voice.

"My future, on the other hand, blows. Spend my life watching the rest of you start families, while eventually the love of my life dies off leaving me with nothing. So I have all of the rest of eternity to be alone—you probably won't even be around, too busy with the sea monster. Would that make me Alpha?"

"The thought of power making fate a lot less horrific?"

"Maybe," she cracks a smile, but it stops quickly enough. "Damn. It would probably all go to Seth, anyway. Sexist wolves."

"Don't start planning his coronation just yet," Jacob mutters. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Eventually you will. Don't worry about it, Jake. I think we'll all be glad for a break in a few hundred years."

He's never really given his quasi-immortality much thought, preferring to live in the now. He's not sure that Leah's right, that he'll be able to leave La Push and his family and friends, even for Nessie. But why would Nessie want to stay? The Quileute are not her people. It's not even safe for her to stay— Leah says the Quileute women won't stand by and let Nessie turn their sons into freaks and Jacob knows she's right. It's better for everyone if she leaves sooner rather than later. And that means he has to leave too.

What will happen to him then? Jacob imagines wandering around the globe, on icy mountain tops and arid deserts, and none of his pictures come close to his memoires of the forest that surrounds his house. Even for Nessie Jacob has a hard time imagining leaving his home.

He doesn't doubt he will go eventually, even if he can't imagine it. The imprinting makes sure that he will go wherever Nessie does and he'll enjoy it. Even if it means abadonning the place and the people he loves.

"Even if your imprint does die it doesn't mean you'll be alone."

"Isn't that the whole point of imprinting?" Leah can't stop it with the sarcasm. "Soul mates? Drake's supposed to be the center of my world...and he's got what? Max, he's got eighty years? And then what? You know, I once talked to Sam about all this."

He can't picture that, Leah and Sam talking like this. Or maybe he can. He wonders if Sam was as strangely nervous as he is.

"About the imprints...?"

"Yeah. About us losing Emily. You know what he said? He said it was inescapable—and for the good of the pack. He takes comfort in thinking that, that everything is meant to work out for the best for us."

"If everything is preordained it better be for the best."

"I think...I think Sam thinks I'm letting you guys down. That it's my responsibility to accept what is going on, for everyone's sake."

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that her preface was a formality. Sam's worry is her worry. Jacob was told over and over that he should just leave Bella to her chosen fate—there's no way he can accept Leah suffering under a fate she doesn't even want.

"If we wanted you to just give in we wouldn't be helping you," Jacob snaps. "I would be asleep, Quil wouldn't have let you invade his mind, Embry would have kept his hands to himself—"

"You're not going to make that a big deal, are you kid? Because it won't be unless you do something stupid."

"When do I do something stupid? Don't answer that."

They banter back and forth until she falls asleep. That's his contribution to her journey; he'll let her rest. Hopefully, she won't look as terrible tomorrow morning.

Jacob waits until the clock on the wall reaches a reasonable hour before he slips off the bed and heads into the hallway. There's been something that's been worrying him since Leah accidently showed it to him and he needs to examine it further or he's going to go crazy.

The bathroom is small and he has to keep his head bent now that he's reached monster heights, but he's gotten used to it over the years. It takes him only seconds to drop his shorts to the bathroom floor, but it takes a good two minutes before the water in the shower turns hot. Not that it makes much of a difference. He climbs in while the water is still cold, one of the advantages of having a temperature well over a hundred degrees. Normally he wouldn't even have bothered with hot water, but he's trying to go back, before wolves and imprinting, and back then there was hot water.

It's been a long while since he even thought about doing this; longer still since he's wanted to. It's only because he's afraid that he simply can't that he's even bothering to try. Can't is a much different (and scarier and frustrating) proposition than won't.

His hand shakes a little as he brings it between his legs. As many jokes as he's made about imprints and monks, he's never actually thought celibacy would be his thing. So he takes hold of himself and closes his eyes and tries to remember how this used to go.

If Leah can do it, he should be able to. Of course, she hasn't imprinted on a child—her sex drive might not be in lockdown. But he's thinking positive here.

Jacob casts his mind back and recalls old magazines that he swore he was buying only for the cars. He remembers women with impossible busts and moist, red lips, leaning up against ridiculously beautiful cars. Clothes seem to be optional as they arch and bend and he tries imagining the hand on him is smaller and softer. Up and down, he moves, the water hitting him gently. It's easy to pretend there's someone warm in here with him.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

With a growl, Jacob realizes he needs a new plan. Random strangers aren't going to cut it. He might have to use someone more familiar, someone who's body he doesn't have to imagine pulled up against him.

_I think I was in love with you before..._

He really wishes he could stop hearing Leah's voice in his head. That's not really helping to get him off. It just makes him feel guilty. He doesn't want to be someone's Bella—he knows how much that hurts. And Leah's been through enough without him ruining her life further.

But...a declaration like hers is sort of like permission, he reasons. And if Embry can almost have the real thing, he might as well put his imagination to good use.

It's the smell that comes back first…she always did smell different from anything else. He smiles before he means to...

And then she's there, water dripping down rock hard muscles, catching in her dark lashes. Her lips curl into a feral smile, one that has him quaking a little in anticipation. It feels just like before, the way her lips fall on his, so soft and yet powerful enough that he thinks of a nuclear explosion. Fingers tangle in his hair and he wraps his arms around that slender waist and pulls her flush against him; a normal girl would have been crushed but she just tightens her hold on him. It's like a fight, a fight he knows he's going to win, and the best part is that she's going to win too. She doesn't yield and they stumble backwards, hands caressing bare skin, leaving a trail of fire in their wake.

She moans against his mouth and he pulls her closer still. A thigh slips between those sculpted legs and she's rubbing against him and he finally realizes just how hot werewolves can get. How can humans stand it? He growls in pleasure when her nails dig into his back and he can feel the blood pounding in his veins. Her hand replaces his and he closes his eyes in pleasure. She presses a kiss in the hallow of his throat and his blood screams. Smiling in victory, he glances downwards.

It's a good thing the real Leah is sound asleep in bed. She wouldn't be able to refrain from making a smartass comment. As it is, the Leah figment of his imagination is rolling her eyes.

"Go away," he snaps and because she isn't real, Leah does.

Jacob doesn't want to do this. Even worse than using Leah his sort of best friend, with her unspoken consent, is his other option. But it doesn't seem he has another choice. This is getting ridiculous. It used to only take him minutes and now the water's starting to get cold.

Summoning Bella to him is harder than bringing Leah there, the memories are so faded. But they used to work so well he has to try. In that dreamlike time when Cullen was gone and he had hoped Bella might one day be his, it had been impossible not to imagine her with him.

It takes a superhuman effort to summon her now, but that's okay because he is superhuman. She's as dainty and pale as ever, with a smattering of color on her cheeks. He keeps her eyes closed even as he puts her on her knees. He won't have Nessie's eyes on him. But as he imagines her warm mouth down there, nothing happens.

An arm slams out, smashing a hole through the shower wall. His dad is going to kill him—he doesn't care. He's never reacted well to being told he can't.

Leah's voice is back in his head, again, with a much more treacherous thought. _You can pretend I'm Nessie..._

No.

Jacob Black has done some questionable things in the past, things he isn't proud of even if he believed he had no other choice at the time. But there have always been limits, even if he never encountered them before. He won't go that far, no matter how desperate he is. Nessie barely looks fourteen and he won't picture her grown up. He won't.

Even though he hates how she's turned him into a damn eunuch!

Not that he's ever minded before. It's been almost five years and this is the first time he's noticed he has the sex drive of a inbred royalty. He wouldn't have minded giving everything up for Nessie, but having it taken away from him like this makes him want to put another hole in the wall.

Isn't castration illegal?

To save the bathroom and his meager savings from further damage, Jacob closes the shower and hurriedly towels off. Leah isn't in his bedroom when he gets back and he lets out a grateful breath. He's not sure he could look her in the eye just now. Getting dressed in peace is the best thing that's happened to him in days.

Clothed, he heads downstairs to prepare breakfast so in case Leah did scratch the side of his house, his father might be less inclined to kill him. Leah is already there.

She's standing over the stove, cursing down at something in a pan, occasionally stabbing it angrily with a fork. She must have heard him come in, because she looks up, annoyed, and demands, "You've never seen anyone cook ham before, Fido?"

"I didn't know you did domestic," he says, slipping beside her. He tries to grab the slice of ham out of the pan, but she stabs him with the fork. "Ow."

"Serves you right. If you must know, it makes my mom happy to see me doing stupid chores. So I do them. I don't enjoy them."

"That's why you volunteered to cook?"

She glances up at him, over her shoulder. Only Leah would need to be stabbing something before she dared looked vulnerable. "I'm groveling here."

"Nothing to grovel for."

"Yeah there is. Lots of stuff since I really am an uber-bitch. So this is for the nagging and the almost getting you killed and...maybe you could pretend that last night was some sort of strange dream you never had?"

"You didn't mean it?"

"I'm getting desperate here, kid. I'm saying a lot of things I don't mean."

Even if she hadn't been a vital part of his life the past few years, he still would have known she was lying. She's not doing a very good job, but he takes a step away from her willing to do whatever she needs him to during this hour of need. That's always been his M.O.

"Okay."

"Thanks, Jake." The pan hisses and she starts pulling the ham off. "Really, thanks for listening. You should have just kicked me out."

"I wouldn't do that. You're...like my right hand."

More than friend, more than sister. The two of them need to stick together—she thinks she's not a woman anymore and he knows he's not a man. It's only together that they make any sort of sense.

"Please. I live with a teenage boy. I don't want to be a right hand, thank you very much."

If Jacob could ever chose a moment to just keel over dead, now would be it. He's bright red but their backs are to each other. Trying not to choke on his own spit, Jacob manages:

"Maybe you could be my right paw instead."

"That's incredibly lame," Leah laughs. Thank goodness they can't read each other's minds just then. "But okay. I can be the claws. Quil and Embry could be your back flanks, raw power that makes you end up in stupid directions. What about Seth?"

"Seth's the tail."

"Always wagging his stupid mouth?"

"And for balance," he says. Seth is probably the most valuable member of the pack, before Leah and Embry and Quil and even before Jacob the Alpha. Seth and his enthusiasm means there's a part of Jacob that still exists, that won't ever die, no matter how many broken hearts and mystical creatures there are in his future.

"I think I burnt this," Leah mutters.

"Is that possible?"

Their examination is interrupted by the entrance of Billy. There's a little bit of surprise on his face, so Jacob tries to intervene before his father can draw a conclusion that ends up with him kicked out of the house.

"Hey dad. Remember I told you Leah needed your help? She's came over this morning to try and bribe you."

"I can make eggs, too," Leah offers.

"Really?"

"Sort of," she shrugs. Jacob laughs behind her and grabs the orange juice.

"There's apples in the fridge," Billy offers. He wheels himself over to the table, still watching the two of them suspiciously. Leah doesn't seem to notice, or is ignoring Billy easily, as she hovers over the stove, trying to pull the ham off quickly. "I have been thinking about it," Billy says.

Jacob grabs glasses and plates and puts them on the table as Leah hurries to sit down, dragging the food with her like it's an afterthought. With practiced ease, he removes it from her grasp and immediately begins scarffing it down. Not that they'll ever admit it to one another, but Leah's a fairly decent cook. Not that he's the most discriminate judge.

"And?" Leah asks eagerly.

"There's nothing explicit on how to reverse it," Billy begins. Leah's face falls, but she distracts herself by trying to snatch the food back from him. He lets her grab a few slices, partially because he feels sorry for her and partially because she's still holding the knife. "However, there's something I have thought of."

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever heard of a spirit quest?"

"Not...maybe my dad mentioned it once or twice. I didn't really pay attention. Could it help?"

"It's the only thing I've thought of."

And Leah Clearwater—Leah who rolled her eyes at her father's stories, who teased Sam about his obsession with the past, who scoffed at tradition—Leah says eagerly, "Okay. So how do I try this?"

It's a strange and not natural, but Jacob's used to unnatural. With a sigh, he hopes that Leah manages to beat her destiny without throwing his life permanently out of whack and orders himself to stop hoping she does exactly that.

...

Author's Note: Points if you picked up on who the first guy Leah slept with was. And despite what Jacob thinks, to quote Juno, "You know it wasn't _his_ idea..."


	5. Part V

Author's Note: I know nothing about Quileute sprit quests, and wikipedia and google have failed me. So what's in here is basically from my own head (and from what I've picked up from other Native American cultures). In the interests of being fair, assume that just because Leah made it violent, didn't mean she had to. I just didn't want it to be easy in this story because...that's my whole point, after all.

To the people who have reviewed: It's quality, not quantity. You're too kind. Thank you very much—which doesn't begin to cover how much I appreciate it, but sticking in too many 'verys' just looks silly.

...

Part V: Ever felt like running as far and as fast as possible until your feet started smoking from moving so quickly? Yeah, welcome to my life.

...

The wind is blowing something fierce and normally Jacob wouldn't even have noticed anything but Nessie is with him today and she might get cold. A quick glance at her, not that his eyes have ever strayed far, and he sees that she doesn't seem bothered. It makes sense; her parents are a few degrees cooler than the wind.

She smiles up at him from her seat on the rock beside him. A day at the beach has wound down as the sun set and now they sit, watching the dark water splashing along the shore as the sun slowly descends over the horizon. Her curly hair is being blown about, streaming out behind her like a column of fire. She really is a miracle child.

"What are you thinking, my Jacob?" she asks in the rarely heard voice that he loves. She does it only to please him and it always makes his heart swell. The endearment does less for him. The possessive edge thrills him, but at the same time a quiet part of him wants to strain against the leash. Yet all he does is smile.

"Is there anything else you want?"

"I'm content. Are you?"

She's very considerate. Always. Compassionate and caring and sweet—it's hard to think of anything negative about Nessie. He's never tried to before.

"I'm good."

He tries now. Not that he wants to find something wrong with her, but it would be nice to know he could, that it's possible. That and he hasn't been able to forget what Leah said almost twelve days ago.

_I think I was in love with you before..._

He should have seen something like that coming—just like he shouldn't have needed Leah to remind him about Quil's birthday or Billy's appointments or Embry's childhood trauma. It's not like he can make himself go blind, so how did this get so bad?

But more than that, it just doesn't make sense. Leah can read his fucking mind. Not only has he subjected her to some awkward dreams and stranger fantasies over the years, but she knows all the dark awful thoughts that he never wanted anyone to know about. She couldn't love him after that.

Not after seeing how he sometimes used to hate his mother for dying or resent his father for not being able to walk, or how he just stood by during that fight in ninth grade even when the blood started, or how he actually considered Edward's offer to play second fiddle the rest of his life...she had seen every dirty, filthy thought that had ever popped into his brain. There's no way anyone should love him after that.

Except that there had been that look in her eye for half a second—in between thoughts of Drake and desperation—that made him think that she did anyway.

He never thought love was about ignoring flaws—Bella was a martyr even when she was all he could think about. It's strange to think he hasn't ever thought something negative about Nessie; she's all he thinks about, mostly, and with all that time there should be something about her that is imperfect.

He comes up with nothing.

That's not unexpected. Leah was just about desperate to hate Drake and she couldn't think of anything. Jacob didn't expect him to be able to think of any flaws by himself. Instead, he casts his mind about to try and remember complaints people have made about Nessie.

There's her name. Renesmee. Everyone hates it, everyone but Bella. Even Blondie cringes when Bella can't see. Jacob thought it was the dumbest thing he had ever heard. But...now he finds himself defending it, thinking it's unique. A special name for a special girl. Damn. Oh well. It's a superficial flaw anyway—it's not the end of the world that he's stopped hating it.

He needs something more substantial. Too bad he can't even remember other people complaining about Nessie. Everyone loves his girl. Everyone. From the foreign bloodsuckers to gruff Charlie Swan to Jacob's brothers, everyone loves Nessie. Even Leah only teases him; she leaves Nessie out of it, for the most part. When she insults Nessie, it's really about bringing Bella down—Leah's never going to forgive him for those dreams.

Quil and Embry make the occasional joke about her being mute, but Jacob can't find fault with Nessie using her exceptional ability. She's fast and strong and he simply isn't able to judge her physically beyond that.

He doesn't even want to think about it.

There's got to be something. Embry's a know-it-all, Quil's a big mouth, Seth's an optimist, Leah's a bitch; Sam won't change his mind, Jared won't speak up, Paul won't shut up...the list goes on. Nothing applies to Nessie. Nessie is clever, mild-mannered, calm and kind and perceptive. Every time he thinks he's come close to a fault it slips away, and by the time he catches it somehow has morphed into something beautiful.

She's got him wrapped around her finger and everyone knows it and maybe she delights in that more than she should, but he gave her the power and he can't begrudge her using it. He can't love her for her flaws if he can't call them flaws.

Jacob wants to growl at himself. This exercise is pointless because there's no way he'll ever be able to find something wrong with Nessie. It's not possible.

A hand is laid across his, transmitting thoughts that he easily deciphers, drawing his attention to the end of the beach. Embry's running around the bend and Nessie wants to know why he hasn't phased.

Jacob's already standing, but he waits in place until Embry runs up in front of him. The news he brings is expected.

"Leah's back."

"And?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?"

Embry's always been a little bit more patient, which is why he doesn't slug Jacob for acting like a jerk. "She walked through the door and Seth barely realized she was there before she collapsed. He says she looked terrible—Sue won't let us wake her up. Sam thought we should get you."

"Yeah," Jacob agrees, glancing down at Nessie. He almost doesn't want to leave, even for this. Is irresistibility a flaw? It's unfortunate that he can't love her _for_ that—he loves her _despite_ the fact he has no choice. Or maybe no choice means he just loves her, period. Eternal servitude sounded a lot better when he was going around offering it. _To her mother_. There really is something wrong with him. "Everyone else there already?"

"Don't think so. We're getting people manually—Sam thinks we should try not to phase until she wakes up, just in case she accidentally does it and her mind's not a great place to be. Quil and I agreed; we thought you would to."

Jacob nods, slightly annoyed that Sam seems to have appointed himself Leah's spokesperson. She's not going to stop complaining about that when she wakes up. Instinctively, Jacob looks at Nessie, trying to figure out what to do with her. It doesn't feel right, having her around Leah. Fortunately, his imprint nods her permission, showing him that she can sense Edward is coming, offering to head her father off.

Edward coming is a bonus; he might not have been able to tear himself away if he didn't know Edward and his unpleasant personality was coming to glower at him. Not that he can't understand why Edward might not be thrilled at his five and a half year old daughter hanging out with a man who practically raised her. He growls to himself—Leah's barely back and already his thoughts have started to sound like her again.

Jacob hugs Nessie goodbye. She shows him something—an old picture of him and Leah—and he nods and tells her that yes, Leah's in trouble and he has to go make sure she's okay and Leah will be glad to hear she's concerned. It's a lie he's often told her, or maybe it isn't. Who knows how Leah really feels about Nessie? It's got to be impossible to separate the girl from her parents, from her species, from him. Nessie looks at him with those beautiful eye brown eyes that somehow burn straight through him. She nods slowly and then turns to meet her father.

He has to wait until he can hear Edward greet her off in the distance before following Embry off the beach. His friend is running quickly and Jacob has to hurry to catch up.

"How'd she look?" he asks.

"Bad. I didn't get a great look at her before I came to get you, but she looked, well, like she had spent weeks in the wilderness without food."

"It better have worked," Jacob quietly threatens his father, which isn't going to magically fix the bathroom wall, but it makes him feel better anyway. Billy said a week in the wilderness was the necessary minimum to trigger the vision, but Jacob has his doubts. Did it really have to be that hard? "Do you think it did?"

"She came back. I can't see her doing that if it didn't."

It's far too easy to picture Leah at the bottom of some cliff, head smashed on unforgiving rocks. He shudders and forces his muscles to go faster, an old technique of physical blocking out the mental pain. Jacob clings to the hope Embry has given him.

They jog the rest of the way in silence, but it's not uncomfortable despite the fight ten days ago. It was actually good to shake off some nerves in a harmless brawl, one where Jacob held back despite his anger, knowing he had absolutely no right to be pissed even if he couldn't make himself stop.

Embry realized that quickly enough—Jacob was by far the best fighter and if Embry was getting in hits it meant Jacob was letting him. It was after Embry sank his teeth into Jacob's forearm and Jacob had violently shaken him off, that they called a truce.

"That was interesting," Embry said once they had phased back and gotten dressed.

"Sorry," Jacob muttered. That the apology covered everything that had and hadn't been said between them in a year was hopefully something Embry could work out for himself. Embry had always been the more perceptive of the two.

"Me too."

"What did you do?"

"I don't know. I just felt I should say it."

The friends laughed and then collapsed at the base of a tree, sitting in the dirt as they caught their breaths. Jacob watched with detached amusement as the cuts on his arm began to heal...he couldn't remember the last time he had been hurt like that. That wasn't quite true—it was too easy to remember the fight against the vampires that had ended with him half-crushed. Leah never had apologized for that, even if she had tried to be a bit nicer to him after the fact.

"Jake? I only did anything because she looked so desperate. And I made sure to stop it before it got out of hand," Embry said after the silence had gone on long enough.

"It's not my business." It's not fair of him otherwise. "I'm sorry it had to come to that though."

He thought but didn't say that he should have been there. For both of them. Jacob was trying to silently promise that he was going to be there from now on, even if he was too embarrassed to say it aloud. Luckily, Embry understood.

"Thanks."

They were silent for a little longer as they did up their shoes and then Embry said, "I can't believe she told you. She was so careful about keeping it out of her thoughts."

"Remember how Quil once said he thought she had finally gotten over Sam?"

"Yes."

"To stop the imprinting she thought she needed to concentrate on someone she cared about and since Sam wasn't an option anymore..."

Jacob was very carefully not looking at his best friend as a hush came over the clearing while Embry slowly worked out his meaning. Finally, Embry let out a single oath, which somehow managed to summarize Jacob's situation perfectly.

"Yeah."

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing I can do. Is there?" It surprised him how _hopeful_ he sounded.

Damn Leah. Damn her. He wanted to demand to know what she had done to him, but he was scared that he already knew the answer.

Suddenly he couldn't keep her in the box labeled 'things I can never have.' Leah Clearwater with her soft lips and softer breasts was no longer a proud and defiant symbol of what had been taken away from him, but flesh and blood woman that made him laugh, that made him roll his eyes, that made him a better man and—dammit!—he couldn't help suspecting that he wanted her a hell of a lot more than he could ever realize.

Damn imprinting.

Damn fucking everything.

"No." Embry sighed. "Sometimes I thought—but I didn't think she'd let herself, not after Sam."

"I think the imprinting forced her hand. She needed someone who wasn't Drake and I guess I was closest. That's imprinting for you."

"At least it's already happened to you. I'm too scared of pulling a Sam to have a proper girlfriend...and I'm going crazy waiting for an imprint."

"Can't live with it, can't live without it. I don't know how you've managed to stay so patient."

"It'll happen eventually—imprinting seems inevitable."

"So is death," Jacob said. Embry laughed and then said maybe the most terrifying thing Jacob ever heard.

"Not really. Not for us."

Jacob remembers the conversation as they sprint towards the house. They're wolves, part of nature, and it bothers him, being that out of whack from the rest of the universe. Nessie isn't going to die but even with only two decades under his belt Jacob doesn't relish the idea of everlasting life.

Life is about cycles, predator eats prey, dies and becomes the nourishment for new generations. Whatever Edward has said about the Quileutes and shapeshifting, Jacob knows the wolfish part of himself isn't just there for looks. It's part of who he is. Why would he want to defy Mother Nature like that? It's like Leah and her desire for children—it's knowing that she isn't part of the circle that makes it that much harder to endure.

With a shake of his head, Jacob picks up the pace. Knowing Leah, she'll probably come too when he's just a block away and spend the rest of the month (try _year_) making snide comments about how he couldn't tear himself away from Nessie, even for this.

They reach the Clearwater's house to find most of their brothers already there. There are still a few missing, but not many. Charlie Swan sits uncomfortably in a room full of gigantic shapeshifters and normally Jacob would laugh, but right that second he's a little too worried.

Sam is coming over and Embry quickly goes to Quil's side, eager to get away from the two Alphas. Some friend, Jacob sighs, only half-joking. Now is not the sort of situation he wants to be alone with Sam. Sam speaks first, giving the update that Jacob has been hoping for and dreading all week.

"She's banged to hell and starving. She almost got herself killed."

"But she didn't."

"She almost did." Sam is very clearly ready to lay the entire blame on Jacob for this. It's only fair—if it works, Sam's going to give Jacob all the credit so he can't be afraid to take responsibility if it doesn't. But it will. Leah needs it to and Jacob knows the female werewolf is almost as stubborn as him when it comes to some things. She'll succeed.

"Almost. She tends to do that. She tends to survive. Visitors allowed upstairs?"

"She's your pack," Sam says. "Not mine."

"It doesn't work that way, Sam," Jacob says quietly so the others can't hear over the chewing. There's always eating when the werewolves get together. "It never has. Leah went where she needed too. You're not responsible for that."

"You don't feel responsible?"

"I shouldn't," Jacob admits and the two Alphas share a wry grin. "I'm going up. You want to come?"

"I don't want to see her like that. You'll understand."

With that ominous warning, Sam steps aside to let Jacob up the stairs. Leah's room is at the end of the hall; Jacob hasn't been here very often (and now he's thinking it might have been an unconscious survival technique), but he's been by frequently enough over the years that he can find his way around without directions.

There's a tiny moment where he's too scared to walk to the door, where he pauses in the middle of the hall. He's not used to being petrified, but fate isn't something you can get down and fight. But it's only a moment and then he's in the doorway to Leah's room.

Leah's in the bed, her mother hovering over her, bathing old scratches that decorate her daughter's face. It's not too terrible—Jacob's seen Leah have worse bruises—but it's easy to see why Sam is so unhappy. Underneath the old cuts and darkened skin, it's hard not to miss how thin Leah looks. Her sharp cheekbones have become razors. There are bags under her eyes and raw skin on her shoulder. Worst of all is the hand that Sue is carefully dabbing a cloth against—there isn't much left on her knuckles that can be called skin.

Emily takes the cloth from Sue as Seth sits impatiently at his mother's feet. The pup is the one that greets Jacob.

"She's started moving a while ago," Seth says, but even his normal enthusiasm feels a little forced. "She should wake up soon."

"I'm glad. Anything I can do?"

"Could you wait downstairs, Jacob?" Emily asks. "There's not much room here."

He wants to say no, tell her that he's the Alpha so he'll stay if he wants. He doesn't of course, because that's not how he does things and Leah really would never let him live it down. Instead, he takes one last long look at his bandaged Beta and turns around.

The room is still buzzing around him when he gets downstairs. Sam doesn't have an 'I told you so' look on his face, which bothers Jacob more than he can say. Why does Sam always act in a way that's so superior to the rest of them?

With a sigh, Jacob sits down on the floor. He doesn't need a psychiatrist to tell him he's turning his nerves into irrational anger; he only wishes it was working better. Leah's always been a fighter, one of the best ones because she fights her own way and doesn't just try and imitate him the way the others do. She will figure this out and be fine—he knows this, believes it, but even that can't keep away the doubts.

There's also the tiny problem of what will happen to him if this _does_ work. Jacob's not like Sam—Right and Wrong aren't friendly neighbors that come over every night and have rational discussions about what to do in the future. He's more of a go with his gut sort of Alpha. The problem with that is that Nessie's far too ingrained inside him for him to figure this situation out. Does he want to fight like Leah has? His gut says no. But for the first time in his life Jacob wonders if that's really the best way.

That's as far as his thoughts get before there's a crash on the second floor. The room around Jacob goes silent, but he's already rushing up the stairs. It sounds like somebody's screaming and he can feel Sam at his shoulder, terrified for Emily.

They reach the top of the stairs at the same time and rush down the hall to Leah's bedroom almost in unison. They pull up short when they get there.

Seth and Leah are on the floor, but neither have phased. Seth has his arms wrapped around his sister as they laugh together. Emily's clapping her hands and Sue just watches her children, tears in her eyes.

"Lee-lee?"

Leah's eyes snap up, but they don't darken at seeing Sam. If anything, they hold more joy. She smiles in a way Jacob can barely remember her doing, free of bitterness and hurt. And then she turns her eyes to him and he's almost blown away by the feeling contained in them.

"It worked," he whoops. There's no other explanation.

Somehow she scrambles out from under Emily and Seth and into his arms. They laugh together as he shares this moment with her, trying not to notice the shiner she now sports and how much lighter she feels in his arms. They twirl and he's trying to ask questions and she's trying to answer them, but somehow the words aren't that important, just the sounds they make together. Seth is shouting for the others to come and then Leah turns and hugs Sam and Jacob calls out the news to their family.

The others pile in and Jacob's not sure how they all fit into the tiny room, but that doesn't matter. He's never seen Leah look like this before, even if she's so unsteady on her feet that Seth is cuffing a few guys while holding her around the waist. It doesn't matter. Nothing could take away from the moment.

Werewolves always have boisterous gatherings and this one is no exception. Leah insists on a celebration and no one wants to fight her on this. It's sort of her special day even if she can't seem to stay up right to enjoy it properly.

They crowd around her, but when Emily pulls out the muffins, Jacob finds himself beside her and Seth on the couch, in relative quiet. Leah is still smiling, more to herself than anyone else. He expected the triumph, but not the grace. She's managed to figure something out. Jacob sort of hates her for that, even as he feels a surge of pride and something that can't ever be love.

She catches him looking and gives him an encouraging smile, which gives him the strength to ask:

"What now?"

Leah shrugs and rests her head on her brother's shoulder.

"Whatever I want."

...

Author's Note: I hope the tense change wasn't too jarring. I wanted Embry's conversation in there, even if it had taken place earlier, but I'm not sure how well it worked. Oh well, no more flashback type things. Full speed towards the end...after Jacob figures himself out, of course. Which means Bella needs to show up soon. I'm having a lot of problems writing her as Nessie's mother. Suggestions?


	6. Part VI

Author's Note: Still not happy with Bella, but I did my best.

Since hzl reminded me of Lois Bujold (thanks!) I'm going to start off with a quote: "If you want to catch something, running after it isn't always the best way."

...

Part VI: If someone would just explain to me what is going on, I would be a whole lot happier. Anyone? Anyone? Pretty please?

...

"You're going to do what?"

Jacob rolls himself out from under the car because this isn't the sort of conversation you have while not looking at each other. Maybe that's what Quil was hoping for, waiting until they were at work. His stocky friend busies himself with the engine and doesn't look up.

They don't really have time for this. The shop has been short staffed ever since Ted quit five days ago, but that's not Jacob's problem. If Quil's serious, than this is a whole lot bigger than taking an unauthorized five minute break.

"I'm going to try and go on a spirit quest, to stop imprinting."

"I heard you," Jacob snaps, standing up and trying to clean the grease off his hands. A quick look around shows they're the only ones currently in the garage. Good. This conversation would attract too many strange looks otherwise. "I just can't believe you're serious."

"Everyone's been thinking it. Even you," Quil accuses.

Jacob can't argue with that. Knowing that imprinting could be voluntary has sent the werewolves reeling. Should they stop it? Leah has explained the basics of what she did, but she refuses to give her opinion, just saying she did what was best for her. But if the legends say imprinting is rare and the spirit quest can undo it, does that mean their ancestors frowned on imprinting? And were they right to do so? Or are the legends merely old stories with the barest hint of fact? And are they just standing around asking questions so they don't have to come up with answers?

The decision has been haunting them all, partially because it has to be independent. Sam's pack has been firmer in their declaration that Leah was a onetime fluke, but Sam gave Brady permission to go on the quest if he wanted. The pup leaves tomorrow, despite Sam's warnings and horror stories. Not even Sam can outlaw this. Paul let it slip to Rachel that Emily has forbidden him from doing so—to prove to his wife he is not ashamed of what he did, Sam must let his pack break the imprint if they want.

Jacob came to the same decision, but he's a little bit proud that he didn't need a scowling wife to help him figure out that his brothers should have the freedom to screw up their lives independently of him.

If it was just the wolves that were involved, Jacob would be on firmer ground. But it's not just his own ability to chose that he's worried about—there's Nessie, too, who never had a choice. It's hard to resist the devotion he's shown her over the years. Should he unimprint to give her the chance to turn him down? Does he owe her the chance to pick for herself?

Or is fate twisted enough to give her that already? Could Nessie not choose him even as he was forced to bow down before her? As much as he needs the answer to be yes, Jacob really isn't comfortable with how imbalanced that seems. It's not even like the deck's stacked in her favour—he's not allowed at the table. Now that would be a reason to stop; there can never be anything worthwhile between them if their relationship is that unequal.

But maybe it is fair. Maybe they both are being pulled together by forces beyond their control, each the missing piece of the other. Is he really going to give up his soul mate just because he's a little uncomfortable at the way that they're being brought together?

It's a difficult decision and Jacob never imagined that Quil would make it. Quil's always been the most accepting—if it's part of being a werewolf, it's usually cool with him. Jacob can't imagine why this time would be different.

"Thinking about it doesn't mean I'd actually do it. Leah almost _died_."

It's been almost a week and she still isn't completely back to normal, though their healing abilities have kept the physical damage to a minimum. Voluntarily going through that torture is insane, unsupportable and Quil cannot really want to do it.

"She didn't." Quil flexes a muscle. "And if she can do it, I can do it."

"Why would you want to?"

Quil stops joking. He even looks up. "She asked me too."

There's really only one she that matters to Quil.

"Claire?"

"Her mom. She's never really liked me coming around, even with Emily's promises that I wasn't up to no good. I think Emily told her enough about what happened to Leah that she guessed that it was possible for me to go away. So she asked me to try, for Claire's sake. So she could have a normal childhood."

That was that then. For Claire, Quil wouldn't even notice he was starving.

Jacob understands her mother's request. He's been a little afraid of Bella making a similar one of him, mostly because he knows he'll honor it without thought just like Quil is doing. But as much as Jacob likes Claire, wants the girl happy, she's not his concern. She has enough people looking out for her. Quil's his best friend, has been forever, and so he wonders:

"What do you want?"

Quil answers simply enough. "I can't imagine life without her. But...it's got to get easier, right? I don't know. But I'm going to try. I've got to. She asked me to, Jake, and I promised."

"Good luck then."

He could talk Quil out of this, he thinks. Quil likes to be guided through life and always has been, ever since they were five and Quil let him chose which mud pile they were going to play in. That's why he just takes Jacob's good wishes and turns back to the engine without asking why Jacob agreed so quickly.

Jacob just drops back to the floor and slides under the car; he's not sure himself.

...

A week later, Jacob finds himself at Sam Uley's house. Quil has been gone for six days...six more to go, more or less. Jacob can't stand the waiting. Nothing is able to distract him from the awful choice facing him...the choice he once longed to have. Is that enough to make his love for Nessie real? He doesn't know and no one wants to give him the answer.

Billy remains stubbornly silent and the rest of the elders take their cues from him. The packs are divided, unsure, waiting for Brady and Quil's return with something akin to fear. Only Leah is unperturbed but she won't help Jacob either. All she does when he asks for advice is tell him that he's got to figure it out himself.

"That's the whole point, Jake," she says while rolling her eyes.

He doesn't understand and so he heads to Sam's.

Emily is leaving as he arrives, taking her children to Makah. Sam promises to catch up with her later and Jacob is grateful for his understanding. Sam might have been wrong about the Cullens, but Jacob stands by his old thoughts—Sam is a much better leader than he'll ever be.

"Are you all right?" Sam asks as they sit on the porch. "Worried about Quil?"

"Worried about this whole mess," Jacob admits. "Worried about what I'm going to do. It's strange having a choice about all this after all this time. I don't know what to do with it now."

Sam is quiet for a minute and Jacob pretends to listen to the wind blowing through the forest, the insects chirping the day goodbye and the animals skulking away from the smell of wolf. It should be calming, but all it does is make Jacob nervous.

"It's a hard decision," Sam says at last.

Jacob figured that one out by himself. "Did you..." Frustration makes him bold. "Did you consider it, Sam?"

"No. And yes. I should have fought harder back then, I think. If I had known, it would have been different." Sam doesn't look at Jacob. "Now...it doesn't matter. I have a life with Emily, the life I'm supposed to have, a life that's so wonderful I don't deserve it. I wouldn't change it, even if I could."

"But if you could go back—"

"You can't go back. She wouldn't take me back, I think." Jacob doesn't look at Sam. "Not me she wants anymore."

"How can you be sure this is what any of us really wants? How can we know this is right if we can't know anything else?"

"It works out, Jake. All of this. You just need time and a little faith."

"I have time. Forever, it sounds like." This time at least, Jacob knows he sounds as bitter as he feels. Things don't just work out. Maybe for people like Sam who can just blindly accept whatever happens to them, but not for people like him with his inability to let go of the things he wants. Or suspects he wants. Or of anything, really.

"I think I'm going to do it," he announces. "I might just end up with Nessie anyway, but eventually. Not for years. We won't be imprints, but at least I'll know I got to pick her because I wanted to."

"It won't be the same."

"What?"

"Emily says Leah's seeing Peter on Friday." Jacob knows. Leah's told him a hundred times the past week. "But she hasn't reimprinted. I don't think it's possible. If you give this up, Jake, you give it up knowing you can't feel this way again. When you're with her, there won't be that pull of gravity anymore. It won't be the same."

Jacob understands this but at the same time really wishes Sam hadn't said anything. "You're saying if I give up the imprint, I'll never be as happy as I could have been?"

"You'll be happy. Just not in the same way."

"In the best way," Jacob supplies because it's true. Imprinting is solid and blindingly perfect. Nothing else compares and it makes sense that if he gives it up, nothing else ever will. "That wasn't very helpful."

"You didn't come for help. You came to make sure you hadn't forgotten anything."

"You can read my mind again?"

"Leah said. She's worried about you. About the pack. Says you're thinking about it in all the wrong ways, that you needed to remember the good things too."

It almost makes it sound like she wants him to stay this way. So she could run off with Drake? It would be just like Leah to go in fall in love with the guy she almost killed herself trying to get away from. He seems rather boring, but what does Jacob know about women? Maybe Leah finds the nervous, quiet doctor interesting.

Good for her. He said he do whatever he could to help her, so if she's happy, he's happy. He wishes she would have been a little more consistent, but it would have been too much to expect Leah to keep things simple.

It's a shame he knows her too well to believe the lies he's telling himself.

Drake could be an actual slimy green demon and she still would be informing Jacob of what time he was coming by on Friday. Like most of Leah's quirks, Jacob can quite comfortably blame this on Sam. Sam begged Leah to take him back. Even after he had imprinted, when he wasn't sure exactly what was going on, he begged Leah. And Leah opened her arms and accepted whatever pieces of his heart Sam had kept from Emily, not caring that they were simply slivers.

Never again. She's not going to wait for Jacob to pull his shit together, even if she hasn't looked him in the eye since she got back. He wouldn't want her to. They've gotten more in sync over the years and now they can't seem to help having similar goals—there won't be pieces of anyone given to anyone else.

It's all or nothing.

So Sam's telling him that imprinting is perfection and that's what he's giving up and Jacob listens and tries to comprehend the magnitude of it all because he needs to know the consequences or the actions won't mean a thing.

Still..."I wish I didn't have to keep hearing things that just keep making this harder," he says with a forced smile. Then he stands up. "Thanks, Sam. Have fun tonight."

"There's no hurry, Jacob. No need to rush; we have time."

"Apparently all we have is time. Me more than most."

"But we aren't vampires. We grow, we change. This is the sort of decision you don't want to make before you're ready. When you think you've grown up—wait a while. You have to know yourself before you can love someone properly. Wait, Jacob. You have to be sure."

"I will be," he promises and then heads towards the forest.

He's had the body of a twenty-five year old for years now, but he still feels a bit like the overeager teen who was content to spend his days in the garage. Sam's advice is all well in good but if he has grown up, his love for Nessie has been part of that—he can't separate her from him. That seems sort of funny, that he can't be Jacob without Nessie.

Not that it makes much a difference. Whatever his decision is, he'll stand by it. He'll have no other choice.

Story of his life.

...

Bella is lying in the meadow staring at the sky when he comes, but she rises to meet him and walks over slowly. Even after all this time seeing her pale face makes him a little sick. Even if he can't love her anymore, he still hates that he failed her. But she's smiling, so he smiles back.

"Thanks for coming," he mutters as they hug.

"What's wrong?"

"Where's Nessie?"

"With Edward. They're seeing who can reach California first." Bella is still staring up at him with that concerned expression on her face. She's still craning her neck up at him and the familiarity steadies him. "She says she misses you."

"I miss her too." He misses her so much that most of the time he can't remember any reasons for wanting to stop imprinting, which is actually sort of a reason in itself. This isn't normal, this all consuming need to know Nessie is happy. And if it's not normal, maybe it's not right. Or maybe it's better than normal. He doesn't know, which is why he's here.

Bella takes his hand and he shudders at the sudden cold but follows along as she drags down to sit beside her. "What's wrong, Jacob? We haven't seen you in over a week."

"Leah went and got rid of her imprint."

"Oh." Bella's eyes go wide. "What does that mean?"

"We might all be able to stop. If we try. We should be able to get rid of it."

"Oh."

"A little more help here, Bells?"

She shakes her head, still staring at him strangely. She repeats his words slowly, like saying them out loud might help them make sense. "You might be able to stop being imprinted on my daughter."

He flinches, barely, and then nods. "But if I stop it, it's gone forever. There's no getting it back."

"Oh. Well." Bella gives a starchy smile. "Well."

He gives her time to figure out what she's going to say. It's a lot better than when she first tried to rip off his head when she found out he had imprinted on her daughter, but at the same time it's not that reassuring the way her face remains suspiciously blank.

"Have you talked to Nessie?"

"No. I'm not going to."

"I think it should be her decision, too."

It's hard to explain to Bella that it really isn't. This is his problem, just like imprinting was. Bella's never felt the steel cables latch her to another person as the world realigns. Bella is a leech, not a dog and since she made her choice, she has to live with the consequences. She's not going to be able to understand.

"I don't want to worry her," he says trying to sound final.

It just makes her angry. "This is my daughter's life we're talking about. Her future. How can you think she doesn't have a right to decide what happens to you?"

"If she thinks she has the right then we've fucked up, Bella." He can't remember the last time he raised his voice like this at her—he's mostly succeeded in repressing her wedding. "If you're prepubescent daughter thinks she has any right to interfere in my life than we have a bigger problem here than I thought. It shouldn't be like that. If she thinks she has a right...my only decision should be which of Dad's hunting rifles I'm going to use to blow my brains out."

He takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down. Bella can't know and it's not fair to blame her for that.

"How should it be then? I've spent five years getting use to the idea that my daughter is going to be with you when she gets older—now you're telling me I didn't have to? I don't know what to think, Jacob. Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"We didn't know before. It shouldn't have been possible. Hell, it still might not be possible. Just because it worked for Leah, doesn't mean it'll work for the rest of us. Female werewolves might be different."

"That seems unlikely. How is Leah?"

Jacob snorts before he means to. Watching Leah's face when he tells her that Bella was worried about her might just make this whole month worth it.

"She's recovering slowly, but she's good. Almost happy, for a change."

"I'm glad to hear it." Even being dead hasn't made Bella much a liar. "Wait? Recovering?"

"It's not easy," he explains, "What she did. Our bodies burn through food faster than most so after a few days without food we're ravenous. A few more days and, well, it got pretty bad. She was a mess when she got back."

"So it could be dangerous, if you wanted to stop?"

"Yeah, but I don't care about that." Risking his life was sort of what he did. "It's not about that. It's about...I don't know. I...I just want..."

"What? What do you want, Jacob?"

"I want to be able to leave. So I can choose to stay. Is that what this is?"

"I think you're going to have to explain this better if you want my help," Bella says finally.

"I don't know what I'm saying," he admits. "I love Nessie. I just want it to be because I really love her, not because I had to. Maybe deciding to stay imprinted is enough. I don't know. I don't think I can know until I try. But what if I try and I lose this for nothing? I couldn't stand that."

Bella stares at him steadily, unblinking, like she's in some sort of trance. The vampires are strange that way. When she finishes her study of his face all she says is, "This might be something you have to figure out for yourself, Jake."

"That's what I was afraid of."

"I could—do you want some advice? As your best friend, I can give you advice."

"That would be nice."

"Do you know _Romeo and Juliet_?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Bella shoots him a look and he tries to think. "Quil and I had English class together so I don't really remember much. The main characters are Romeo and Juliet."

"Okay, pay attention. Juliet is supposed to marry this other guy, Paris, because her dad wants her to. But she loves Romeo and he obviously loves her. They might be a little impulsive, but they love each other completely. However much she wants to please everyone else, Juliet can't accept Paris, no matter who she disappoints. She loves Romeo too much."

"I'm Juliet?"

"You're Juliet."

Jacob nods like he understands while he tries to work out what Bella is trying to say. No second best seems to translate to...what? Don't settle, he assumes. His problem is that he can't be sure if he is settling for Nessie until he gets rid of the imprint at which point he might very well realize what a mistake he's made and spend of the rest of his life hating himself.

Not helping matters is the way he keeps fixating on that Paris dude, the one that Juliet was supposed to marry. Sucks to be him, to be the chosen one and still lose out, though would you really want a girl who is forced to be with you? Jacob can't believe _anyone_ would be okay with that.

Bella is still talking. "If Juliet had stayed with Paris she might have survived, but she wouldn't have the same sort of perfection. She needs Romeo to be whole, the same way he needs her. Without each other they're incomplete. They're nothing."

He wants to tell her that it's sick to be that dependant on another person, but that would make him a hypocrite. All he says is:

"Thanks, Bells."

...

Quil comes back three days later. His mom calls up Embry and Jacob and they hurry over. They don't call anyone else. Sometimes it's better when it's just the three of them.

Quil is awake, if exhausted and unable to move from the couch he had collapse on, when they arrive. There are a few scratches on his body, but for the most part he is intact. He is grinning broadly from ear to ear. His happiness is almost blinding.

Jacob takes one armrest, Embry the other. "Did it work?"

"Nope," Quil says, taking evident delight in biting out the word. "Didn't work at all."

"But you're happy?" Embry asks.

"Yup."

The two friends share a look that says Quil has clearly lost it. Jacob says, "Did I miss something?"

"I went out there, just like Billy said. Into the forest and I didn't eat and I didn't sleep and kept walking around in circles until I convinced myself this whole thing was a bad practical joke and almost turned back. But first I did the rituals like Grandpa told me to. I waited for a long time, did them again, and then eventually...it happened."

"What?"

"I'm not sure," Quil admits. "Something. Something amazing."

"And the award for most eloquent description goes to..." Embry mutters.

Quil raises a tired middle finger. "I don't know to describe it for your tiny minds. It was too incredible."

"Would you like some other synonyms so you can continue being equally vague?"

Jacob gets his best friends back on track.

"You're still imprinted."

"Yup."

"Yeah, maybe that's the part you should be explaining. Why didn't it work?"

Quil makes himself more comfortable, if that's possible. He's clearly enjoying having both Jacob and Embry regarding him as a fountain of wisdom for once. If he doesn't hurry up, Jacob might just knock his teeth out, but Quil doesn't know that.

"We were wrong," he announces.

"Obvious," Jacob snarls. "The point is how."

"I'm getting to that. This is all my personal opinion, of course, but my Grandpa agrees with me. Spirit quests weren't about breaking imprints. After it worked for Leah it made sense that we thought that, but the legends don't talk about them that way. In fact, it's not just the werewolves who went on them. Anyone who needed to make an important decision could."

"You think it just allowed you to make a decision?" Embry asks slowly.

Quil shrugs. "I know I ended up somewhere and it was almost like I could see the bond between me and Claire. Only I couldn't break it—I didn't want to break it. Whatever happened then it helped me to understand that Claire is the most important person in my world and this was not the way to help her. Only be leaving this alone could I do what was best for her."

"I still don't understand." Jacob is getting annoyed at how little he understands.

"It's not about imprinting, Jake. It's about what you have inside yourself. Leah needed to break the imprint and I didn't. The quest just made it crystal clear."

"Well," Embry sighs, "I now owe Seth twenty bucks. He said you couldn't do it."

"You bet on me? Now that's real friendship."

"Yeah, yeah. Wanna be a good friend and give me twenty bucks?"

Jacob interrupts. "I still don't—"

"It's not really something you can explain. I'm pretty sure what happened to me didn't happen to Leah. It's different for each of us."

"Yes, but why?"

"I don't know. Why don't you just hurry up and go on one already?" Quil asks, even as he motions for Embry to hand him a pillow. He gets it in the face, but keeps talking. "It helps you figure shit out and if anybody needs to do that, Jake, it's you."

"Because you should obviously be taking advice from a guy who refers to his emotions and feelings as shit." Embry grins. "Seriously, Quil's right. If he can do it, you'll be fine and when you get back you'll either be trying to serial date like Leah or bum around like Quil. It's win-win."

Neither option sounds particularily appealing to Jacob, but that seems to be the point. It's different for everybody and the result is unknown until you work it out yourself. He can do that; all he's been after this whole time is a decision. Jacob can decide to make a decision. He'll go on the spirit quest...and hopefully find out what it is he wants.

...

Author's Notes: Okay, you might just being going WTF at this point. I've spent how many words ranting against imprinting and all of a sudden Quil's like yay imprinting! and it's supposed to make sense? So I've got to admit something. When I first read about Quil and Claire I just thought it was something werewolves could do and that was that. He was sixteen, she was two, it really didn't bother me. Especially after Jacob said, "Don't let it bother you. It's not creepy." I'm easy that way.

But then Jacob imprinted and I almost stopped reading the book I was so upset. But I finished and got over myself. And after a while I had to start thinking about why it bothered me about Jacob and not about Quil (ignoring that it tied everything up too perfectly, ignoring how it completely negated Jacob's relationship with Bella (and thus most of _New Moon_ and _Eclipse_), ignoring how it wasted the chemistry (not to mention the pages) between him and Leah, ignoring how it forced one of my favorite characters into a life he explicitly said he didn't want--why did she put that in? If we're supposed to buy that imprinting is awesome, why have him say it's not? Dumb, dumb, dumb).

And I think it's because they're different characters. Quil isn't going to be sitting around angsting about the morality of his decision, or run off to Canada when he can't deal with things. There's something rather innocent about Quil and so I can buy that he's just going to go with the flow. He's feelings for Claire will stay perfectly appropriate because Quil's feelings aren't going to change unless something happens to make them. Jacob, on the other hand, not that he's going to do anything inappropriate, but he's a much more active person. And he's got to sit around for six and a half years? I just don't see that. And while I love Jacob Black, it's because I think he's one of the best developed characters in the series, with a whole host of flaws. His soulmate should not be perfect (which canonically, Nessie is-ugh). So while I can accept Quil and Claire were made for each other, and even that Sam and Emily are too (imagine Leah happily cooking muffins for the pack and Bella. No seriously. Imagine and then laugh.) I don't get that sense from Jacob and Nessie. Hence the story.

But I'm willing to concede I could be wrong. If imprinting is as great as its supposed to be, Jacob should have it. So despite how biased this story may seem, I am trying to make it a fair fight. If someone has a pro-imprinting argument (especially a Jacob-imprinting one), please tell me and I will work it into the next chapter...if I haven't already done so. The next chapter is the spirit quest, which means Jacob's finally working it all out. I do think the idea that it's this perfect union that can never be achieved anyway else is a compelling one. Are the chains acceptable if they make you happy? Maybe.

And that was way too long. Oh, well.


	7. Part VII

Author's Note: No more mini-essays disguised as author's notes. Promise. Though I loved reading the replies.

Thoreau once said: "Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." Let's see how Jacob does.

...

Part VII: I feel like I'm off to see the Wizard of Oz and I just found out that some jerk painted the road red.

...

Billy tells him to be careful but says nothing else as Jacob prepares himself for the journey. Words of fatherly advice are choked down by the belief that there are some mistakes a man must make for himself. Preferably far away from the house where no more expensive damage can occur. It would make Jacob feel old, if he didn't want to curl up into a ball at his father's feet and beg for help. Billy's an Elder; it's his _job_ to be wise. And wisdom is something Jacob could use right about now.

But his father says nothing and Jacob sighs and tries to make his muddled thoughts make sense.

The day before he leaves he goes to see Nessie. She's sitting on the porch step, waiting for him while reading a book who's title he'd probably having trouble understanding, never mind the rest. Without hesitation she pats the seat beside her and then waits for him to talk.

He's not sure what to say, exactly. Her whole life he's been promising to stay by her side and he feels like a fraud now that he has to tell her he's considering that it doesn't have to be that way. Is even going on the quest a betrayal of her? If he keeps thinking like that he knows he's going to be unable to go so he forces himself to come up with something.

"I'm going on a trip, Nessie. I won't be back for a little while."

The hand on his face shows him Bella's already beaten him to it. She's explained everything to her daughter, not quite as well as Jacob would have liked, but much better than he could have. Nessie knows that he needs to go, for her sake as well as his, and she shows him she has no hard feelings about it. When he goes, he goes with her blessing. Good. He might not have been able to otherwise. In fact, there was a very real possibility that if she had asked him not to go he physically wouldn't have been able to walk off into the forest.

"Thank you for being so understanding," he mutters.

"You'll always be there for me, my Jacob."

It's humbling, hearing the certainty in her voice. She's right, of course. He will always be there for her. If he gets rid of the imprinting, if he doesn't want to be with her (two pretty big ifs), he's never going to leave her. He promised her and he tries to keep his word when he can.

"Thank you," he says.

Then she shows him how strong he looks to her, how capable he is, and Jacob blushes a little at her child-like adoration which is the only thing left that truly reflects her age. It makes him sad to think of all the things she has missed, being only five and looking nowhere near close, because he needs her to have everything. He kisses the top of her forehead and then she shows him Edward is coming so he stands up and turns to play nice.

Edward is almost getting sentimental until Bella arrives and reminds him that Jacob might actually stop following his daughter around. Really, Jacob is never going to understand the leeches, even if he does love them.

He finishes up the afternoon by saying goodbye to the pack. His brothers are less demonstrative than the vampires; they just clap him on the back and wish him luck. Quil is almost annoyingly cheerful, while Embry is a little more subdued, but both are reassuring in their unwavering belief that this will all turn out for the best. He hopes they are right.

Then the day of reckoning is upon him. He is bringing only a rucksack filled with a few charms that his father said were essential and the clothes on his back. There is no phasing on the quest—if you're angry enough to phase, it isn't going to work. There is no food either, perhaps the most devastating part. But he's the one most used to the feeling of hunger. If he could do it for Bella, surely he can do it for himself. He hopes.

"You still here?" Leah asks as she comes into the kitchen.

"I was just going. What are you doing here?"

Not that he doesn't want to see her, but he's pretty sure she's been avoiding him the past little while. In fact, he's one hundred percent positive she's been trying not to be around him. And it bothers him, even if he understands.

"Charlie's come over to watch the game. I offered to drive him so I could have the car today. There's a sale down in Port Angeles."

"You did something nice so you could go shopping?" Jacob fake coughs. "Bullshit."

"If someone had bothered to say goodbye to me like he did the rest of the pack, then maybe I wouldn't have to be chauffeuring my step-father around the fucking reservation." Underneath the anger, he can't help see the hurt. Obviously. If there's anger, there's hurt. Leah's pretty predictable that way. "I can't believe you said goodbye to _Paul_ and not me."

"Where do think I was heading off to?"

"The forest?"

"Before I went to the forest."

"You were going to say goodbye? To me?" The sarcasm grows with each word. "I feel so honored."

"I have to leave the pack in your capable paws for the next few days, Beta. And what with you avoiding me the past little while, I figured you wouldn't want to see me until you had to."

He probably should have picked a strategy and stuck with it. Trying to make this all about business _and_ all about her wasn't the best idea. He's confused about what his point was. But Leah's not looking mad anymore, so that's a plus. She's looking down instead.

"I'm not avoiding you. I'm giving you time to think. And since you're brain is so tiny...it's not _my_ fault I've been away so long." There is a very real accusation in there. "I just want this fucking thing over with, one way or another."

"Me too. One way or another. You want to tell me which way?"

She rolls her eyes and he can see her struggling not to hit him. "It doesn't work that way."

He knows. But he wants to hear what she would say. He figures if he gets her mad enough she'll scream the truth at him. "So how does it work, Leah? Do you want to continue being vague and unhelpful? Is that why you really came over this morning? To gloat that you know all the answers and I don't?"

"There aren't answers, Jacob." _You idiot_ is very much implied. "If you must know, I came over because I had to see for myself if you were going to actually do this. And Embry'll owe me ten bucks if you chicken out."

She winks as he scowls. "You bet against me?"

"I go where the smart money is."

"What are the odds that I throw you out of my house before I leave?"

"One in three."

They stand around in silence for a moment as he finishes filling his rucksack. The television is on in the other room and there are murmurs over the shouts of the announcer. Jacob throws the bag over his shoulder and glances over at her. Black eyes are watching him carefully. He's not sure why he does it, but he doesn't want to leave without knowing everything, so he speaks up, repeating a question he asked her once before.

"Did you mean it?"

She knows what he's talking about; somehow Leah always knows what he's talking about. Being in each other's heads is partly responsible. Time, too, has brought them closer. So slowly they didn't even realize it, they've built an understanding of one another that isn't always pretty, but that is pretty accurate. That she wouldn't understand him despite the vagueness of his question doesn't even cross his mind. She knows what he's talking about and she sighs.

"Does it matter?"

He feels like it should because she's Leah and she does matter even if he can't figure himself out long enough to figure out how much. But that's not the question she asked. Her question doesn't require a theoretical answer. Does it matter? Future tense, right this second. If he closes his eyes and concentrates, does it matter?

Does it? Does it mean enough that they could have perhaps maybe possibly once could have been good together for him to risk losing perfection? If he does come back and Nessie is but a distant memory, will it matter that Leah once whispered 'I-maybe-love-you'? It's not like he could whisper it back, even if he was free. Maybe one day he could. One day. But it's not one day, it's not tomorrow, it is _now_.

"No."

And Leah's smile curls up in a way that makes her look devilish and hard and just a little bit proud. "Good boy."

She turns and walks out.

He follows her example—he steps outside and walks towards the forest and tries to find a battle he's not sure he wants to win.

...

Jacob blinks furiously, trying to see something other than white. It takes a long time, but eventually he manages to see what's right in front of him.

It's beautiful.

More beautiful than he's ever imagined is the sight that greets him—Nessie, bathed in light, clad in an iridescent white gown. Her russet curls blow around her, framing her face, her perfect lips, her loving brown eyes. That isn't his little girl at all. This Nessie is grown up into a sparkling woman.

A woman who loves him. There's no doubt about that in his mind.

Not only does Nessie look like an angel, but she's surrounded by some sort of heavenly light. Surrounded and infused with it, glowing from every orifice until she looks more like a dream than a woman. It should be blinding but it's not; whatever is being emitted from her is right on his frequency.

Her creamy hands beckon to him and he somehow knows that if he takes them won't matter if it's too perfect for him to breath. Nothing will matter but the feel of her fingers in his. The small fear that he wouldn't be able touch her, that his hands would somehow slip through her, disappears when he sees the love in her eyes.

There's a beatific smile on her face as she opens her arms. The bright light around her recedes somewhat, though the delicious warmth that surrounds him does not, and the figures beside her come into focus.

Jacob's eyes grow wider as he realizes who the stunning people around Nessie are. They aren't strangers or allegories. He knows these people, knows them well and loves them even more than that. Of course he does.

They are his children, after all.

They all share his copper skin and two have his dark hair, though a lovely little girl has Nessie's wondrous curls. He smiles at her and she giggles and waves back with an almost impatient look. _Hurry up Daddy..._he can almost hear her say..._you don't want to be a slowpoke._

_I'm coming_ he almost calls out, but the words catch at the lump in his throat. It's _too_ perfect to ruin with the sound of his voice.

They are the most beautiful things he's ever seen. Delight is scrawled across their faces as they look at him, knowing that they all have to be together to be happy, but when they are together nothing can compare. Somehow he's managed to read the happy ending at the end of his story and it seems so stupid that he used to complain that he didn't get to pick the book himself. Why did it matter who gave it to him when it was just so wonderful?

There's so much perfection that he wants to look away. No, he doesn't want to look away. He never wants to look away.

Except he does. As much as it's wonderful right that second, he needs to be able to turn around in case she one day decides to bare her throat to another, or abandons him out of misplaced sense of duty, or leaves him for his cousin (not that Quil would do that), or simply grows tired of being with him. Right now he's not sure if he could ever recover from that and inconsolable grief doesn't really work for him at all. He's never going to be an Edward; torturing himself just sounds creepy. He wants the choice to get over her, if he has to.

In this strange world with future Nessie, a part of Jacob that he thought had died long ago comes alive. For the first time in a long while he can say what happened with Bella shouldn't have happened that way. He wasn't finished; she might have gotten married, but he wasn't over her yet. And he doesn't want to be forced to forget someone until he's good and ready ever again. Jacob wants to turn around.

Just to make sure he _could_ turn around. As long as he knows he could look away, he'll enjoy the view for the rest of his life.

He's not sure what he expects when he turns around. Seeing Bella there, or Leah, or even that girl who had once admired Cullen's Astin Martin Vanquish wouldn't have surprised him. Choices, right? Is that all he wants? But they aren't who he sees. In fact...he doesn't see anyone.

Jacob looks around and finds himself alone.

A quick glance around shows he's in the middle of the forest. Not in La Push or in northern Canada (at least the parts he's been too). The location isn't something he can pin down, but it feels familiar anyway.

There are chips of wood and rocks in the black earth underneath his feet and he crouches, sniffing the dirt for a clue to his location or what's going on. Senses alert, but he can't find anything. The sounds are all natural, tiny creatures scampering into holes, bigger ones blundering through the bushes. There are no artificial smells either, just a purely natural fragrance that lets him know there is no need to fear the coming of man. He bends down to feel the mud crumbling between his fingers. This isn't real—obviously, because this is all in your head, he reminds himself.

Jacob stands up and tries to figure out what he's supposed to do. When Nessie was there it was inescapable that he was supposed to go to her, to hold her close. Now...now he has no clue.

With a sigh, he begins walking forward. His feet sink into the earth as he ducks his head to avoid hitting it on the lower branches. Mystic visions don't seem to come with shoes, so his bare feet press into the moist earth. The space is dark and cool; he's not using his night vision, but the light coming from between the thick branches is only enough to illuminate part of the forest.

What to do? How come answers are never easy when you don't have any idea what they should be? With no solution coming into his mind, Jacob presses forward.

The trees aren't very helpful either. With nothing better to do, he decides that he might as well climb up and see if he can find out where he is. There's a tree nearby with a low hanging branch, one that he can easily reach. Thanks to his strength, he can easily climb anything he can see.

Except now.

Maybe he's not a werewolf in this strange vision world. He finds himself struggling to lift himself up, muscles in his arms aching like he can barely remember them ever doing. He isn't strong enough to just use his arms, so his feet end scrapping against the rough bark. His toes are providing some grip. Not enough, but some. Climbing without werewolf strength is a lot harder than he remembers. He doesn't like feeling this helpless.

The bark is rough, rubbing against his hands until they're raw. A rogue branch smacks him in the back of the head and he sees white again. Can there be blood in mystic visions? It doesn't feel like there's any, but he rests for a second to touch his skull, just to make sure. No blood, but there might be a bump tomorrow. A bump the size of watermelon—the damn thing really hurts.

Why is he even doing this? He should just stay on the ground. Except he's already in the tree, so he might as well keep climbing. Up he goes.

He reaches up, grabbing hold of yet another branch. That it wouldn't hold his weight didn't occur to him—until it breaks in his hand. Then he's tumbling out of the tree, trying to grab hold of branches, failing to stop his descent.

Ow.

Jacob tries to sit up.

Fuck.

With a sigh, he tries wiggling his fingers and toes. At least they seem to be working. He just got the wind knocked out of him. A few moments should be enough to recover. The lump on his head burns and he's letting out a steady stream of curses the likes of which he hasn't used since that leech almost turned him into a pancake. The forest floor shouldn't have been so solid.

As much fun as lying in mud sounds, eventually Jacob gets up. It would be so easy just to whisk himself back to Nessie, but now the tree's mocking him and it's become a matter of honor. Yeah, it's stupid, but Jacob is determined to show the foliage who is boss.

But just in case...he picks a different tree. He's not sure if the damage he does to himself here will carry over to the physical world, but either way, a split skull doesn't sound like fun.

The second tree is harder to climb up, but holds his weight a lot better. It doesn't even creak dangerously, though he scrapes his palm until it bleeds on one of the branches. It doesn't matter. He's close enough to the top to push through the leaves and poke his head out. He almost expects there not to be a sky, but there is. It looks like a spring day just after the rain as the clouds are just starting to drift away. The ground is covered in trees, the same leafy plants as far as the eye can see.

What the hell is this?

It's like he can hear Nessie whispering in his ear, but he shakes his head. He'll be by her side soon enough. Just not yet. He wants to know what's going on first.

"Anybody out there?" he shouts.

There's no answer, just a faint echo.

He's all alone.

Oh.

A glance down at his hands makes him cringe, but he studies the raw skin, presses fingers into scrapes that might end up scarring except for his magical healing powers. His joints ache and his muscles scream. Jacob watches as the bright red skin turns white with pressure and then slowly darkens, growing pinker in an instant. It stings, his eyes prickle at the pain, but he got where he wanted to be.

There's pain and loneliness and not quite enough light, but Jacob climbed up the damn tree himself. Leah was right about him—he is sort of slow. She's only been beating him over the head with it:

This decision is about him.

It's not about what he might owe Nessie or Leah or Bella or even Sam and his forefathers. He can have his vibrant future with Nessie or just close his eyes and jump off a cliff and see where he lands, but either choice is _his_ for the taking as long as he wants it.

Jacob finds a more comfortable spot in the tree. He's not going to leave until he's figured this out. It's not going to take as long as he was afraid of...

...

As he stumbles through the door, Jacob spots Leah sitting on his kitchen table. Her feet are on the seat of a chair and she looks strangely exposed, playing with an apple from the fruit bowl beside her. It's bright red, too much like all the blood that they've spilt over the years for him to be completely comfortable. Her nails trace the thin membrane carefully, looking for something she's never going to find in a fruit.

He frowns but is somehow not surprised to see her here—Colin must have called the others and told them of his return. Jacob has to lean against the door not to collapse on the ground and the sound of his body hitting the wood catches her attention. She looks up and then quickly drops her eyes. Is she nervous? He's too tired to care.

"You're back."

"Yes."

In order to continue not looking at him, Leah focuses on tossing the apple to him.

He catches it one handed, running on instinct, hungry enough he would eat anything. White teeth pierce the red flesh, the sound of tearing fruit echoing in the small kitchen. He chews rapidly, destroying the tissue as quickly as he can. As his stomach fills he notices that there's more food on the table and he can hear Billy on the phone, telling Quil to come over after picking up some pizza. Good. He's starving.

Leah's still on the table, watching him as his throat constricts as he swallows, black eyes defiant.

"What did you decide?"

...

Author's Notes: I like happy endings. But there's different types of happy, and so despite the fact that everyone is going to be okay in the next, and final chapter, some are going to be happier than others. I'm still debating on how happy I want everyone to be and who I want them happy with. Last chance to voice your opinion about what Jacob would or wouldn't do.


	8. Part VIII

Author's Note: So this is it. Since I'm not going to ruin my own ending by talking over it, I just wanted start off by thanking everyone who has reviewed or will review. It means a lot that there are people out there who liked this. It might not be the ending you were hoping for, and you might wonder why I can't stop picking on poor Leah or what the whole thing with Embry really means but...this is all I wrote.

Enjoy.

...

Part VIII: Happily ever after...it better be, because I know how much the wedding cost.

...

The suit itches, but not as badly as it could and Nessie says he looks handsome in it; who is he to deny her anything on this day? The bowtie is a little ridiculous, but Alice insisted and put it on him so quickly he didn't have time to protest. Jacob never really enjoyed the pomp that comes from weddings.

The horde of vampires that are crowded into the Cullen household are making him nervous, but there's not much he can do about that either. Carlisle had tried to get most of them to promise to stay vegetarian for the wedding and that's really the best anyone can hope for. It doesn't matter. The vampires won't dare try anything. The werewolves that stand along the side of the room ensure that.

Jacob stands at the front in a suit that matches the rest of the bridal party, but the rest of the werewolves are also decked out in style. Alice insisted that if they wanted to play at being bodyguards then they had to dress like them. The entire pack is wearing the same black suit, classically cut with crisp white shirts underneath, topped with silk black bowties. Alice made relatively few allowances for Leah's gender, simply tailoring the suit a hell of a lot tighter than the men and letting her remove the shirt and bowtie entirely. Her hair is spiked up and Jacob would hate to be caught disrupting the peace by her. She hasn't been in a very forgiving mood today.

The pack is doing their job well, since the crowd seems to be rather subdued. Happy, but subdued. That's sort of what you want in a crowd of bloodsuckers.

His attitude toward the leeches hasn't done a one-eighty, more like a one-forty. They still creep him out a little and he still wouldn't scratch his neck in their presence comfortably, but he turns his back on the three vamps playing groomsmen beside him without thought. He doesn't even want to growl at the crowd.

Maybe Alistair...but he deserves it.

Music begins to float into the room. Rosalie is on the piano, since Edward needs to walk his baby girl down the aisle. It's about the one thing Blondie is good for and Jacob's glad she's as far away from him as possible. She's one of the few things that could ruin this happy day.

All thoughts of Rosalie disappear when Nessie comes down those stairs.

People always say that a bride looks beautiful on her wedding day, but that second Jacob would be hard pressed to imagine how anyone could possibly touch Nessie. Then again, he always has been biased.

Her hair is piled on her head with a few tantalizing curls just visible at her neck. She walks down the aisle on her father's arm, clad in a white dress that seems to be made of diamonds, it gleams so brightly in the light. The heavy veil was Edward's idea, but Jacob likes it. He probably would have liked anything today.

Nessie's smile is radiating love. She hasn't spoken much today, reverting to her power, but the memories she is sharing touch the hearts of her friends and family. Each step she takes it grows stronger as she locks eyes with the man that she loves.

Jacob feels a familiar tug at his heart seeing her like this. Trying not to tear up—because he'll never hear the end of it if he did—he watches as Nessie gets closer to him.

Edward stops only two feet away, to lift the veil. His topaz eyes gaze at his daughter in wonder; she reaches up and touches his face, sharing with him one last memory of love. It's such a private moment that Jacob wants to look away, except he can't take his eyes off Nessie. Finally Edward kisses her daughter on the cheek and gently pushes her towards her future.

The step away from her father is accomplished with grace and then she's reaching out her hand...

...Nahuel takes it without hesitation.

...

Nessie dances the third dance of the night with Jacob. Once it might have seemed strange to have to wait for her husband and father, but Jacob doesn't mind. He uses the delay to watch Bella, nothing like that eighteen-year-old girl he loved so long ago. She still looks young, she'll always look young now, Edward's made sure of it, but the expressive warmth is gone. He misses it even as he tells her she looks beautiful and she laughs and tells him to stop trying to steal her away from Edward.

The joke is painful, again. He might be able to tease Nessie's mother, but the Bella Swan he loved died almost seven years ago and that still hurts. It's not going to go away either, he suspects. He wouldn't want it to—your first love is supposed to be special.

It's Nessie, not Bella, who's in his arms now. Her fingers are playing with his shaggy hair as they twirl around the floor. She is so much more graceful than he is, but luckily her parents made him practice so he can keep up.

He can even survey the room as he dances. Seth is currently toasting with a whole table full of vampires, suddenly best friends with half the room for life. Quil's arguing with Alice about being allowed to take off the stupid bowtie and Embry seems to have disappeared.

Leah is talking to Rosalie, bemused expressions on both their faces as Emmett keeps an arm around each woman. Probably trying to talk them into the threesome Leah keeps complaining he's suggesting. Emmett Cullen is currently touching the two most striking women in the room and they might look annoyed, but they haven't killed him yet—people might want to stop thinking he's the dumb Cullen.

Bella and Edward sit by the high table with Esme and Carlisle; Jacob makes a mental note to talk to the good doctor alone later that night. Someone he's not going to be talking to alone is Jasper, who had probably been recruited by Sam to make sure none of the vampires decided that the fury guests looked edible. That or he's doing surveillance out of his own paranoia.

But those aren't the Cullens that matter. Nessie is in his arms and glowing.

Her heart has stopped beating much sooner than Jacob had thought. She looks seventeen, if that. She was a vision of loveliness, to be sure, a youthful goddess, but, Jacob was happy he could think, just a tad too young for him. Today it doesn't matter. It's not for physical reasons that he's having trouble keeping his eyes off her. She almost looks like she did in the woods, so many years ago. The light inside on display for the world to see. It's breathtaking.

"You look so happy," he murmurs.

"I am," she answers looking up at him with so much love that he's almost embarrassed. "Thank you, my Jacob. You have done so much for me."

Not enough. He's the only thing that's ever really been denied to her and he did his job so well that she barely noticed the difference. They've failed her a little bit, he thinks sometimes. She's too used to having the world revolve around her. His world used to do exactly that and so he knows it can't last forever. Does she? He's not sure but she's leaving tomorrow so he makes a joke instead.

"Yeah. Huge unheard of treaty...facing off with the Volturi...not to mention how many times I've watched _The Lion King_..."

"Timon and Pumba are funny."

"Or not."

"You just don't like the hyenas."

"They give dogs a bad name," he mutters and he's glad to have made her laugh, no matter how many times they've had this argument. It's her wedding day, after all.

The dance is over and he kisses her on her forehead as she goes to ask her uncle to dance. Bella comes up beside him. The two of them don't dance (they've done too much of that in the past) but they stand at the side and watch as Jasper twirls Nessie perfectly.

"How are you doing, Jake?" Bella asks him quietly.

"You mean, do I wish it was my wedding?" He doesn't wait for an answer, since he already knows that's what she meant. "No. But I'm happy. I've always liked it when she's happy."

"I think Edward's a little disappointed," Bella admits. "Don't tell him I said this, but I think he was looking forward to being you're father-in-law."

"Sorry about that," Jacob says, wondering if it's at all possible to care less. "Are you disappointed, Bells?"

"All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I thought Nessie made you happy, but if you're sure you're fine with this..."

"I am. They are perfect for each other, you know."

Bella looks at him a little puzzled because he's spent the past two years saying that a pair of twenty-four chromosomes doesn't mean a thing. It doesn't. If Nahuel had been half-mermaid half-dwarf with sixty-three chromosomes Jacob would have still said the same thing. As he watches the half-human, half-vampire male interrupt his bride and her uncle, take her in his arms and dance away with her, Jacob can't help but know he's right.

Secretive glances and shy smiles...eyes meeting across rooms and then glancing away, embarrassed to be caught...the way Nahuel looks at Nessie and the way she looks back...that's perfection. Even (especially) the way she tries to make him laugh all the time, even though Nessie really isn't all that funny and Nahuel does laugh, even though he doesn't understand simply because he wants to make her smile. It's that she wants to try, for him, and he wants to try, for her. Just because they want to.

"Embry's imprinted."

Jacob jumps at the voice at his side and then glares at Leah, while Bella cranes her neck around him to look at the Beta wolf. "You couldn't say excuse me first?"

"No. He's imprinted on one of the hybrids."

"Which one?"

"I don't know, Jake. One of them. He's over there, staring at her like an idiot."

Pointing—because Sue's lessons on manners went in one ear and out the other—Leah gestures to Embry. He really does look like an idiot, practically drooling over Nahuel's beautiful half-sister, the one who was the Maid of Honor. Jacob laughs as Leah growls beside him.

"This is good news," he tells her. Embry's not going to be able to complain about the wait anymore and he should be too busy working this out to be moping around. Strange that he would be the only other wolf to imprint on a South American...

The thought shakes him so he turns his attention back to Leah beside him, who is crossing her arms and scowling, breasts pushed impossibly upwards; Alice really is a marvel. Leah notices his gaze and arches an eyebrow, but keeps talking business. "We're never going to get rid of the bloodsuckers now."

"You're not going to miss them?" Jacob teases.

"Maybe Rosalie."

He wants to gag, but that was the point.

"You don't mean that."

"Of course not," she lies. "Someone has to remember vampires are our _mortal enemies_."

"Some of them aren't so bad," Jacob says with a glance at Bella who smiles back at her old friend.

"The girls are going to stay with us until Nessie and Nahuel come back from their honeymoon. Embry can visit then."

"You really do like to suffer—I'm not sure I'd want to be around a lovesick Embry."

"Make sure to tell him he's invited," Bella reminds him as Edward beckons her over. She's hurrying away before he can answer. Of course. That's the way he and Bella have always worked. At least now he can watch without feeling his heart is being stepped on repeatedly.

Over on the other side Edward takes her in his arms. They press against each other, two marble statues, with clasped hands and locked lips. For a moment, they are frozen in time and then almost faster than he can watch, Bella arches upwards and then they are scurrying to the side to be alone.

"They're like teenagers," Jacob mutters. The irony that that they will always be, even with a full-grown daughter, is not lost on him.

"It's disgusting," Leah agrees. "I can't believe he's one of us."

"Who are you—Embry?"

"Who else?" How she figures it out with Bella no longer in the room, Jacob doesn't know, but maybe he's that predictable. "Bella and Edward? Please tell me I'm not going to be dreaming of naked Bella tonight—I don't deserve that. I've been nice today."

"Nice for you. Not actually nice."

"Same difference. And you're avoiding the question."

"Jealous?"

"Of a bloodsucker's best man? I don't think so." He's laughing at her a little, so she bares her teeth at him. It's frightening enough that he feels a little guilty. Not much, mind you, but a little.

"I'm not fantasizing about Bella. It's been years, Leah. Are you still going to be bugging me about that when we're fifty?" They head to the hall, where they are both supposed to check in with Sam, to make sure the vamps are behaving themselves.

"Quite possibly."

"Mean, mean woman."

"Bitch," she corrects as they enter the hall to find that it's mostly empty, with only a few giggling teenage girls walking out of the washroom. Sam simply looks at them and when they shake their heads, he turns around and goes right back outside.

Sam's appointed himself head of security tonight and Jacob's grateful because he wants to enjoy himself but it's no longer an arrangement that works. It might very well be his fault for not stepping up sooner, but Jacob knows the packs can't stay divided forever. With Nessie gone his responsibilities are no longer tangled together. There's only supposed to be one Alpha and it's not supposed to be Sam. But until the Cullens leave town, he has no right to act, so he lets Sam enjoy his power for now.

Instead, as Leah leans casually against the wall, Jacob once again wonders how she got that jacket on.

"Do you want to go for a run later on tonight? I need to do something or I might go nuts. Way too many ruffles," she complains.

Jacob forces his eyes up and shrugs. There's too many feelings in the air him to want Leah in his head right now. "I don't think so."

"Please tell me your not fantasizing about the bride—or her fucking mother. That's just sick."

"Thank you, Leah," he finds himself growling. "No Cullen women have been fetishized during this evening. I just don't want to go for a run. All the primping today sort of ran me down."

"You had trouble putting on a suit?"

It's not that he's tired, though he is. Weddings always sort of play with your head and just because he was fantasying a little doesn't mean he actually wants to get married anytime soon. And normally Leah would understand, would let him indulge in a little idle speculation, but not about this.

If he tells her he was imagining her in white, he knows almost exactly what she would do. For three glorious seconds her face would light up and that shy smile that few people have ever seen will grace her face. She'll look more beautiful than anybody he's ever seen, eyes shining with love and then—then her face will close down and she'll let out a harsh bark of laughter. She'll call him an idiot, call him young and immature (she's never going to stop rubbing it in that she's older), and then tell him he hasn't thought this through because when he does think about it properly he'll realize he's the type of guy who's going to want kids.

When he tries to tell her they don't know that for sure, she hasn't even looked at her options, she'll get more upset and then more angry. She'll yell that she's not going to trust a vamp to fix her (he'll cringe at her words) and tell him to stop daydreaming. It won't matter that he tries to explain realism exists between her pessimism and the optimism she accuses him of; she won't listen. Eventually she'll snap that he should have stayed with Nessie if he wanted pups this badly and if she keeps needling him about Nessie and Bella and every other thing in his past, he knows eventually he'll snap. He'll retaliate.

And since he doesn't want to make his girlfriend cry (or get his nose broken), Jacob just smiles and says, "Suits aren't as easy as they look."

She still doesn't look convinced, so he leans over to kiss her. "Trust me," he whispers.

They have to have the conversation eventually, but he has to wait until the mess with Sam is sorted out and after he finishes legally buying the house from his father and after he's talked to Carlisle. Patience has never really been his thing, but now it's just getting him more prepared for the battle ahead. They _are_ going to have the discussion one day (it's going to be one hell of a dog fight) and on that day Jacob plans to win.

Until then, he'll silently hope for the both of them.

Her fingers gently stop his lips. Leah's smiling again, at least. "I love you, Jake, but I am not making out with you at your ex-soul mate's wedding."

They snort in unison. Their foreheads are pressed together, but she's right about it being a little weird so all he does is complain, "I can't believe we have ex-soul mates."

"We're werewolves. We sort of have to believe in everything."

This close he can feel the heat from her body emanating into his. It's terribly distracting and terribly nice. He leans in and murmurs in her ear, "Come over tonight."

"I'm tired," she says in a husky voice that means she'll relent soon enough. "My suit was even harder to put on."

"That just means you'll need help taking it off."

"You think you're up for the challenge?"

"I'm up for anything. Come on, Leah. You might even get to cook me breakfast."

She laughs. "Ohh...that wasn't nice at all, Jake. Why do I put up with you?"

"Because I love you..." he whispers in one ear... "because you love it when you let me catch you..." he whispers in the other... "because I'm incredibly good looking...devastatingly funny...impressively strong...and I know you..."

She's a little bit breathless but all she says is, "You forgot impossibly charming."

"I didn't want to sound like I was bragging. So does that mean you're coming over to burn my breakfast?"

"That was once and it was your fault." It was actually her fault for cooking wearing only a t-shirt, but that was besides the point. "You should do it yourself. Actually, don't. I don't want you to get food poisoning. Get Billy to cook for you."

"Or not."

Leah studies him carefully and then of course figures it out. Jacob suspects that she probably figured the whole thing out before tonight—she would be the person to ask if you wanted to figure out if Embry looked more like an Uley or a Black.

"I guess you're cooking then. Burnt toast it is."

"Hey."

Her fingers brush over the lapels of his jacket and he smiles a little. "You don't know, Jacob. It could all be a coincidence, it could mean anything. It could be Fate fucking us over once again, by making you think things that aren't true. Billy's a good man. He wouldn't do that. And even if...he's your _father_. You have to love your father while you still have one. Don't turn this into a big deal."

There's no proof, not really. But the nagging suspicion is there now and he's not sure he can get rid of it.

Could he forgive his father for this, if it is true? He's seen how sometimes your heart splits in two, loving what it shouldn't. Maybe he can't. Even after all this time he still loves his mother, he's still loyal to her memory. And maybe Leah's right and this is just Fate's one last attempt to try and make him forget everything he thinks he knows about himself.

There's only going to be a fight if he wants one.

That's all he's ever really wanted, Jacob thinks as Leah takes his hand and pulls him back inside where the food is being served. When his heart has been broken—and maybe it hasn't this time, anyway—he wants to be able to pick up the pieces. And either get the hell out of there or hand them right back. Jacob likes having options.

"That is one sparkling room," Leah says under her breath as they stand in the door.

"Scared? Understandable. The streamers look evil."

"I'm not scared. But it's okay if you are. I'll protect you."

"Aw Leah. You old softie." She looks like she wants to argue (because that's what she does and it's incredibly frustrating, but just something he has to live with), so he squeezes her hand to reassure her that he still thinks she's the most dangerous woman he knows. "Come on. Let's sit down."

Their fingers are intertwined together in something solid and reassuring as they head towards the table, but it would take less than no effort to pull his hand away. He doesn't. But he could.

Jacob just chooses not to.

...

The End


End file.
